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(Or, As A Grail Knight Said, "You Have Chosen... Poorly.")
(For archival and amusement purposes only.)
Last night, the three remaining contestants sang three songs: one chosen by the judges, one chosen by the contestants, and one chosen by the producers. As you will see, in most cases, these weren't the people who should have been doing the chosing. Let's travel back in time and relive an abbreviated version of the show...
Round One
Paula chooses Billy Joel's "And So It Goes" for David Archuleta to exploit his timbre, which makes me instantly wonder, "Aren't there laws regarding minors, their timbres, and the exploitation thereof?" I hate to say it, but the song really accentuates Archie's timbre, which sounds dirtier than I want it to, but Paula started it. His first lines are a cappella and it's my favorite Archie moment of the entire season. This moment dies the instant he starts squinting, a nasty habit he acquired after ALW told him to keep his eyes open. (My resentment of that bit of advice grows with each passing week.) Randy claims Archuleta could sing the phone book and sound great, which is Jackson's way of saying he would have preferred to have heard him sing the phone book. In fact, this just in: Archuleta's first single will be "Area Code 650: Al-An". Platinum all the way, baby.
For Syesha, Randy chooses Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You". The beginning starts out too low, but she works her way back into her vocal comfort zone and finishes strong. For the first time, I can envision the type of song she would sing on the radio, which is to say, something in the catchy, yet generic family.
Simon chooses Roberta Flack's "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" for David Cook, which reinforces my belief that he's out to get him. Cook looks nervous and his first few notes sound tentative, but then he hits a couple of critical notes in his falsetto and he's suddenly in a groove. The song builds and builds until the crowd is in a frenzy and the last twenty seconds outshine anything Archuleta has done vocally up to this point. Afterwards, I search YouTube for Flack's original version and discover Leona Lewis, Simon's X Factor discovery, sang the song, which now reinforces my belief that Cowell likes Cook a lot.
Round One Rankings:
- Cook
- Archuleta (by a hair)
- Syesha
Round 2
As soon as Archuleta says he's singing Chris Brown's "With You", I hear my inner Admiral Adama yelling, "Action stations! All ears, action stations! Brace for impact!" Archuleta's phrasing is all wrong and I say this with all sincerity, dancing and David don't mix. They should never mix. If there were ever a time to put him behind a piano, this would be the time. I don't care if he can't play a note. Have him play middle C for ninety seconds and it will be a million times better than whatever it is he's doing right now.
Syesha chooses to sing Peggy Lee's "Fever". For once, the whole Broadway effect doesn't work, yet it's an improvement over what Archuleta just did. I drift off at the end thinking about her pre-song interview, which rubbed me the wrong way. It seemed like she was doing a bad impression of Reese Witherspoon doing an impression of June Carter Cash.
Cook's choice is Switchfoot's "Dare You To Move", one of my favorite songs. A tiny voice in my head shouts, "Yes!" The song starts slowly, which would be okay if he had four minutes to perform it, but he doesn't. He's barely into the best part of the song and it's done. It feels incomplete and I feel gypped. I want more. That's what she said! Actually, that is what she said... she being Paula.
Round Two Rankings:
- Cook
- Syesha
- Archuleta
Round 3
Perhaps the producers are out to get Archuleta because they give him "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg. It's bland. It doesn't help that his background singers aren't in tune or in time with him. I suspect they might be singing a completely different song. Anyway, I have to agree with Simon's assessment of the performance. It's "gooey". I would only add that it's also "squinty".
Syesha returns in her third sparkly outfit of the evening and sings "Hit Me Up" from Happy Feet, a movie I saw that involved dancing computer-generated penguins. For a second, I thought it was a Rihanna song. I mean, it sounds like something Rihanna would sing, but as it turns out, it's something Gia Farrell would sing. As everybody knows, Gia Farrell is a female pop singer who sounds like every other female pop singer out there, which shows you just how highly the producers think of Syesha.
Finally, Cook sings his third song. The producers yoke him with Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" and an orchestra. I can already hear how it's going to sound, but I listen anyway, because if it's anything like what I hear in my head, it's going to be good. David doesn't disappoint and Simon sums it up nicely by saying, "David Cook wins the night."
Round Three Rankings:
- Cook
- Syesha
- Archuleta
Prediction
Are we in for another predictable American Idol elimination show tonight? Unfortunately, the answer is sYESsha.
If the producers of American Idol had given me a chance to direct last night's episode, this is how the show would have gone down...
- Ryan introduces the four contestants.
- David Cook sings his two songs.
- Syesha and Archie smile and wave to their adoring fans.
- Ryan sends Jason home and tells everybody to tune in next week.
The whole thing would have been done by 8:15 and America could have enjoyed the rest of its Tuesday night.
Unfortunately, nobody asked me to direct the show, so it all went a little differently. Here are the details...
The Final Four have the task of performing songs from the vast Rock and Roll Hall of Fame catalog. This bodes well. I can feel it in every sarcastic bone in my body.
Round 1
David Cook is up first and his first song is Duran Duran's "Hungry Like The Wolf". He performs it well, but it's just a shinier, more refined version of the original. On the upside, it isn't karaoke. On the downside, it isn't bloody brilliant, which I expect every Cook performance to be at this point in the competition. Being good or solid doesn't cut it anymore.
Syesha Mercado's introductory clip rubs me the wrong way. She explains how Tina Turner's "Proud Mary" has been covered a hundred times, essentially saying the song comes with baggage. Luckily, it baggage she overcame once she looked in the mirror and said, "Just do it. Just have fun with it." Apparently, even people with stratospheric egos need to give themselves pep talks now and again. As she has done for three straight weeks, she gives her performance a Broadway spin, but not in a bad way. It instantly makes her my second favorite contestant of the show. Here is somebody (besides Cook) with the killer combo of talent and stage presence. Here is somebody actually trying to win.
Jason Castro, the anti-in-it-to-win-it contestant, performs next. He admits to recognizing only a few of the five hundred songs on the Hall of Fame list. One of them happens to be Bob Marley's "I Shot The Sheriff". I thought when Castro and Marley met, it would be magical. Instead, it's quirky and different and does nothing for me.
David Archuleta follows this with Ben E. King's "Stand By Me", a song little Archie sings in his room to himself when his dog can't take it anymore. The song choice is predictable. David goes gospel whenever he can. His singing is pretty, but hollow. Something is missing. When he finishes, the crowd goes insane. Apparently, I need a dose of whatever delusional drug they're taking because Archuleta's performance is only a step above okay for me. I also can't help thinking that if he came back in another four years, after obtaining a college education, his own personality, and some backbone, I would appreciate him a whole lot more.
Round 2
David Cook returns and redeems himself with The Who's "Baba O'Riley". Perhaps in the context of the real world, Cook is nothing special, but in American Idol Land, he displays a sensibility and sophistication that his competitors lack. He seems to be the only one who voluntarily listens to music during his free time and actually has a modicum of musical awareness. During his performance, I keep imagining Archie asking his dad, "Who is The Who?" His dad replies, "Nobody. Just a bunch of guys going to hell, so I don't want you paying any heed to them. Now, be a good boy and finish watching the Charlotte Church DVD I got you."
Syesha's second performance is good, but I don't think it's as strong as her first. She sings Sam Cooke's "A Change Is Gonna Come". I can't get over her opening comments, when she compares her journey on the show to the struggles of the civil rights movement. It's as though she says, "Let's forget historical significance for a minute and focus on me."
Ryan seems almost embarrassed to introduce Jason and, for his part, Jason doesn't seem all that eager to be on stage. He explains he's going to sing "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan, who may be my least favorite Bob in the musical world. Before the first strum of the guitar, I know it's going to be horrible. And it is. At one point, I think he's doing a spot-on Dylan, with the unintelligible mumbling, but then I realize he has simply forgotten the lyrics. Simon tells him to pack his suitcase, but I'm hoping the people behind Vote For The Worst save him at Archuleta's expense.
Speaking of which, Archuleta takes the stage again. This time he's singing "Love Me Tender" by Elvis Presley because Archie has never tortured us with a "romantic love song" before. It's actually incredible to watch him tackle a Presley song. Elvis, even when he sang gospel music, still managed to ooze charisma and sex appeal. You could feel the emotion behind his words. He believed them. With Archuleta, the song is just a combination of sounds he has to make because a piece of paper tells him to. The crowd, still high on their meds, cheers for him wildly. The judges give him hyperbolic praise, topped with Simon's assessment that David A. "crushed the competition". And I can't help but think, "Simon must still be hoping for a slice of that Vanessa Hudgens/Jonas Brothers/Hannah Montana/Ashley Tisdale market."
Predictions
If I could pick the Top Two, it would be Cook and Mercado. If there's a shocker tonight, I hope the David going home is Archuleta. Otherwise, I think Ryan will be showing Jason the door and Jason will only be too happy to go.
(Posted after the fact and for archival purposes only.)
Before I begin, I just want to say this: the next American Idol recap I read that makes reference to diamonds or roughs is going on my blacklist. Instead of using the same jaded phrase, I want to see somebody make reference to "finding a Neil in a haystack" (because I'm dorky like that).
As a kid, I was exposed to what some might consider a dangerous amount of easy listening music, so for better or worse, I'm fairly familiar with the music of Neil Diamond, which means I recognized a majority of the songs sung on last night's show.
Depending on how you feel about Neil Diamond, last night was either double the pleasure or double the pain, as the final five contestants got to sing two (two!) Diamond masterpieces each.
In order to squeeze those ten performances into a single hour, Ryan had to herd the contestants and judges around like cattle. His sense of urgency was palpable and understandable. Ten two-minute performances means 20 minutes of singing. Throw in the required 35 minutes of commercials and that leaves only five minutes for Paula's babbling and little else.
Jason Castro gave two half-hearted performances. His rendition of "Forever in Blue Jeans" was downbeat and depressing. It lacked momentum. He followed that up with what must have been the most lethargic version of "September Morn" I've ever heard. On a positive note, Jason did manage to get off his stool and stand upright (mostly) for the second half of the song. Unfortunately, this effort sapped his remaining strength and he was incapable of singing complete lines from that point forward.
David Cook's take on "I'm Alive" was standard at best. It was good, but never rose to great. His second song, "All I Really Need Is You", was the best performance of the night. He channeled Diamond's sound in places and infused the rest of the arrangement with his own sound. It was the only song I could imagine being a hit on the radio today.
Despite her previous poor performances, I was hoping Brooke White would do well. She gave "I'm a Believer" a go, but the song was too much for her. Her mugging and grinning all seemed forced and fake. Instead of trying to do Smash Mouth's version of the song, she should have given it her own spin or gone with a different piece all together. For "I Am, I Said", she ditched the guitar for the piano and was suddenly "in the zone" again. The song fit her perfectly and her performance felt authentic. It reminded me of why I liked her in the first place.
David Archuleta sang two of Diamond's biggest hits: "Sweet Caroline" and "America". While his vocals were technically impressive, his performances lacked charisma. Both songs felt too big and grown-up for him. His version of "America" was nauseating and reminded me of days gone by, when Kristy Lee Cook was still going strong. His take on "Sweet Caroline" was so icky (especially the way he sang "touching me... touching you"), I had to cleanse my memory by listening to Diamond's original version several times, followed by a few views of Jonathan Coulton's cover...
Syesha Mercado's rendition of "Hello Again" was solid, but forgettable. The most memorable thing about her performance was her hair (it's mean, but true, but mean, so I'm sorry, mostly). For her second song, she sang a rousing version of "Thank the Lord for the Night Time". She spruced it up with some of her Broadway flair, but it was still only so-so for me.
While my dream Bottom Two would be David A. and Syesha, I don't think that dream is coming true. In all likelihood, tonight's Bottom Two will be Brooke (backlash for last week's elimination evasion) and Jason. With any luck, Jason will go home. The boy is tired and needs a nap.
Last night, Idol's Top 6 sang songs by Andrew Lloyd Webber (ALW). I must admit that I'm not a fan of his musicals. I like a handful of his songs, but that's it. If I were to put a percentage to it, I would say I like 5% of his music. I prefer musicals by Lerner & Loewe, Rogers & Hammerstein, and Mencken & Ashman/Schwartz. With those composers, I look forward to almost every song in the production. With ALW, I'm usually suffering through the entire show to hear one song.
Because the Sharks won last night (hockey, not West Side Story), I'm in a good mood, so I'm going to try to be kind and compliment every contestant. Of course, to avoid jinxing the team in the next round, I'm going to say something negative, too, to balance it out. Finally, I'm going to suggest songs from non-ALW musicals I would have preferred to have heard last night.
Enough with the blabbering, let's get to the recap!
Syesha - Before Syesha even took the stage, I knew she was going to do something dumb like totally surpass my expectations, and she did with "One Rock 'n' Roll Too Many", the only ALW song of the night I didn't recognize. Let that be a lesson to all you future Idol hopefuls. Set the bar low in the beginning, not so low as to get eliminated, but low enough that everybody expects you to fail miserably every week. Then, when you deliver a competent performance, everybody will be so surprised you didn't fall on your face, they won't notice your mediocrity.
Compliment: She looked amazing in that red dress.
Peeves: The way she writhed around on the piano and the way Rickey Minor danced was disconcerting
Alt. Song: Knowing Syesha's proclivity to tackle songs by untouchable divas, I wished she had sung "Listen" from the film version of Dreamgirls, just to see how she compared with Beyonce Knowles.
Jason - ALW didn't seem keen on the idea of Jason singing "Memory" (from Cats). Why Jason would choose a "girl song" confused him. Despite the criticism from the judges, I liked his performance. I think it was because it sounded, in parts, like "Hallelujah". Randy said the song had "too much melody" for Jason, a comment I found comical. It wasn't as bad as Randy or Simon made it out to be.
Compliment: He has the whole sit-on-a-stool-and-sing thing down.
Peeves: Song choice. The image of Barbra Streisand in dreadlocks persisted throughout the performance. I wished he had picked a different song.
Alt. Song: "That's How You Know" from Enchanted. That would have been the perfect "girl song" for him. He could have played steel drums and had a full reggae band backing him up.
Brooke - She makes me want to cry. It's the result of liking her and wanting her to do well and then watching her completely flop... week after week. My hopes were high when she said she would be singing "You Must Love Me" from the film version of Evita. Brooke exudes vulnerability and so does the song. They're a perfect match, in theory. Then she started singing and everything fell apart. It was the most excruciating two minutes of the show. I watched in constant fear she would forget the lyrics (again) or suddenly breakdown during the song. I could tell it was bad when Paula couldn't think of single thing to say and then started giving the speech she usually saves for people going home.
Compliment: She managed to stand in silence during the judges' remarks -- a first for her.
Peeves: Again, song choice. Having her stare at the camera and tell us we must love her made me sad. If she had to sing ALW, I wished she had sung "I Don't Know How To Love Him".
Alt. Songs: She should have gone with something cheery and out of character, perhaps something along the lines of Julie Andrews, like "Sound of Music" or "I Could Have Danced All Night".
David A. - When the group of tweenyboppers stormed the stage to give him a hug, I fell out of my chair in laughter. The boy look petrified and mystified. It was an uncomfortable moment. Archuleta befuddled ALW with his song choice. He chose "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera, another "girl song". ALW seemed disappointed with David's choice and after I heard his rendition, I was, too. He took a pleasant ballad, hollowed it out, and sang it the way I imagine All-4-One would sing it if they were still relevant (to use Simon's word-of-the-season).
Compliment: David succeeded in keeping his eyes open throughout the song.
Peeves: I don't think he blinked once. He was all squinty and staring. Creepy.
Alt. Songs: For my own amusement, I wished he had sung "Greased Lightning" from Grease or "Get Me To The Church On Time" from My Fair Lady.
Carly - Like Syesha, Carly did that annoying thing where she completely rocked the song. While I wish she had stayed with her initial choice of "All I Ask Of You", thus showing the judges her consistent inability to choose the right song, I'm glad ALW set her straight with "Jesus Christ Superstar". It matched her style perfectly. It was part rock song, part church revival, and called for nearly continuous shouting, something Carly has taken to in her desperate attempt to please the judges, especially Simon. She can sing. Her main problem is that she only seems to be able to sing loudly.
Compliment: This was her genre and she delivered.
Peeves: She cheated and left the high notes up to her backup singers.
Alt. Songs: I wished she had sung something down tempo, like "On My Own" or "Colors of the Wind".
David C. - Somewhere in the middle of the exchange between David and ALW, my brain shut down. I think it was around the time Webber told David to sing sensually to him, like he was a 17-year-old girl. When I came to, Cook was singing "Music of the Night" and singing it well. The quality of his voice really came through, but I wished he had done something more with the song. Like Simon, I prefer Cook's grittier sound.
Compliment: This was a truly brave performance. He didn't rely on instrumental gimmicks or little known arrangements to boost him. He relied on his vocals alone and it worked.
Peeves: Randy's volcanic compliments. In this case, Cook's performance was a "molten hot lava bomb". I'm waiting for Randy to say something like, "That was Haleakala hot!" Or "That was smoking like Mount St. Helens!"
Alt. Song: I think he could have rocked Bye Bye Birdie's "Honestly Sincere". It's a tongue-in-cheek tune, but if any rock song from a musical needed grit, this would be it.
Predictions: This week's Bottom 3 will be Syesha, Jason, and Brooke. If Brooke doesn't go home, I'll be very surprised.
I know last night's episode of The Office was all about Michael and his attempt to start dating again, but this clip was my favorite moment from the show...
The writer's only spent a minute on Jim and Pam, but it was a great minute. Oh, and if the video worked, then my favorite Hulu feature is the ability to select the start and end points of the clip you want to embed.
I must admit that when I learned the contestants on American Idol would be singing Mariah Carey songs, I seriously contemplated boycotting the show. Visions of mangled song corpses sprawled across the stage, violently killed using the deadly musical fighting style known as karoake, flashed through my mind. Why would I want to watch mayhem guaranteed to give me nightmares later? Bolting upright with a gasp, in bed, in the middle of the night (a la Patricia Arquette), as the last echoes of Carly's screeching faded away, is an experience I'd like to avoid (if at all possible).
But only a few minutes after reading that bit of Idol news, I saw the headline that Ollie Johnston, one of Walt Disney's "Nine Old Men", who worked on Snow White and other animated classics for the studio, had passed away. This got me thinking about some of the music from that first feature-length cartoon, and when I have tunes like "Whistle While You Work" and "Heigh-Ho" playing in my head, I feel as though I can deal with anything the world throws at me, including an hour of potentially awful singing.
At that same moment, another idea popped into my head: perhaps the show would be more enjoyable if I played a game called "Match the Idol to the Dwarf". If you want to play the game, take a second to do so right now. If you don't remember the names of the dwarfs, here they are: Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey.
Done? Great. Let's get to the recap...
David Archuleta sang "When You Believe". As a dimembodied voice, he sang it surprisingly well. As a performer on stage (with lips, arms, legs, and a whole list of other required body parts), he was barely watchable. It almost made me wish the producers had hidden him behind a piano like they had done last week (a move that drove me insane because 1. I swear he only played two chords and 2. nobody could actually hear him playing). Dwarf: Dopey.
Carly Smithson took a stab at "Without You". It's one of my favorite Mariah songs. The beginning was great -- soft and controlled, but then she began pumping the song full of volume and emotion and wrong notes and I suddenly began watching the second hand on the clock to see how much longer I would have to suffer. Immediately after the show, I listened to Mariah's version to stave off any nightmares (luckily it worked). Dwarf: Grumpy.
In previous weeks, the judges scolded Syesha Mercado for attempting songs by divas like Whitney and Mariah, so she came into this week at a disadvantage. She had two choices...
- She could either defy the judges, pick a signature song, and suffer their wrath.
- She could pick a less recognizable song and risk becoming forgettable.
It was a Catch-22 and I admire her for choosing the second option. It's better to give a forgettably mediocre performance than a horribly memorable one. Dwarf: Happy (appropriate because he's always the last one I remember).
Brooke White is usually at her best when she's at the piano. When she plays and sings, she looks comfortable and confident. To me, she seems bulletproof. Unfortunately, that impression was shattered last night. Her version of "Hero" started off well enough, but less than halfway through it, she started to crumble and not even the piano could save her. She was this week's weakest link. Dwarf: Bashful.
Kristy Lee Cook sang "Forever", which is the answer to the following question, "How long have you waited for the Colonel to be voted off American Idol?" She gave another above average performance (by her standards), which means she will be around for yet another week. It was good enough to make me shake my fist at the television in frustration and shout at the sky, "Why?!" Dwarf: Sneezy (maybe her squinting is allergy-related).
David Cook's version of "Always Be My Baby" started rough, but got significantly better once he got his voice out of its lower registers. I totally agree with Simon that his performance was a breath of fresh air. It wasn't one of his better performances (or arrangements), but it was a masterpiece compared to the five previous acts. Dwarf: Doc (the oldest of the dwarfs).
Jason Castro ended the night with "I Don't Want To Cry". I just wanted to point out that during the clip that preceded the song, Mariah called Jason "interesting", "different", and "unique". Make of that what you will. Despite Randy's Simon-like criticism, comparing the performance to something heard at a luau, I liked it. (Full disclosure: I happened to be eating a loco moco for dinner at the time, so my opinion might have been slightly swayed by my taste buds.) He didn't have a guitar or ukulele in his hands, but he actually seemed comfortable on stage, which was nice to see. Dwarf: Sleepy.
Prediction: This week's bottom three will feature Carly, Kristy Lee, and Brooke. I hate to say it because she's my favorite woman, but I fear Brooke "Snow" White will be the one to take a bite from the poison apple.
(Or, The Most Uninspired Night of Inspiration in Idol History)
Last night's theme on American Idol was "Inspirational Songs", a theme chosen to coincide with the Idol Gives Back charity event airing tonight.
To help me get through this week's recap, I needed to search deep for some inspiration.
In between the updates on Twitter, informing me about the latest twists and turns the Olympic torch relay was taking in San Francisco, it came to me: I would limit my thoughts to 140 characters or less for each contestant.
So, here are my short, but sweet tweets...
Michael Johns sings "Dream On". New rule: Wear a cravat, get the boot. What is that awful noise?! Oh, it's his falsetto. Chihuahuas cringe.
Syesha sings Fantasia's "I Believe". Choir drowns out the worst of it. More chihuahuas cringe at the end. A Bottom 3 performance.
Jason Castro attempts Brother Iz's "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". Song suits him and he nails it with the ukulele. Best of the night, sadly.
Kristy Lee Cook sings an unoriginal cover of Martina McBride's "Anyway". It's the perfect farewell song. @KLC Sing it well. Go home anyway.
David Cook's "Innocent" is an inspired choice. The choir intrudes and ruins another performance. His weakest in weeks, but he'll be safe.
Carly Smithson sings "The Show Must Go On". Agonizing and painful. I can only hope this show will go on without her after this week. Please.
David Archuleta blows everybody away with "Angels", but I'm too distracted by the grand piano stuck between his teeth to appreciate it.
Brooke "Water Works" White's mellow rendition of "You've Got a Friend" wins me over, but it won't be enough to keep her out of the B3 again.
Prediction for tomorrow's results show? Kristy Lee, Carly, and Brooke will be in the Bottom 3. Kristy Lee will finally go home. Seriously.
(Or, Idols At The Bat, Dolly Parton Songs Sung in the Year 2008)
With this year's baseball season underway and the number of American Idol contestants equaling nine, I automatically (and predictably) thought of them in terms of a batting lineup. So, if you'll kindly imagine yourself at the ballpark, sitting in the lower box seats or left field bleachers, eating peanuts or crackerjacks, and listening to the play-by-play on your mp3 player with FM/AM receiver, we can play ball.
Your eyes focus on the diamond, but this is what your ears hear...
Good evening and welcome to the Fox Fields in Hollywood. The umpires -- Randy, Paula, and Simon -- are already on the field and are looking styling in their Coca-Cola red chest protectors and face masks. Those product placement gurus are geniuses! The silly mascot you see running across the roof of the home team's dugout, looking only slightly more dapper than the Philly Phanatic, is Ryan Seacrest. On the mound is tonight's mentor/pitcher, Dolly Parton, and she's throwing her best material at the contestants. Let's see how they handle it.
Leading off is Brooke White, who barely manages to squeeze into the batter's box with the fiddler, backup singer, and percussionist she brought along. She tightens her grip on the guitar as Dolly winds and deals. She throws "Jolene" right into Brooke's wheelhouse, but Brooke is jammed and only manages to hit a grounder to second. It's a close play at first base. Here's the throw, Brooke slides, and Paula says, "You... are... who you are." Nobody knows what that means, so we'll move on.
Up next is David Cook. It looks as though he finally surrendered and allowed somebody near his hair with a pair of scissors. A marked improvement. It should cut down on the wind resistance when he's on the basepaths. Dolly comes set and pitches "Little Sparrow". Cook slams it with the sweet spot of his guitar and the sparrow hits the center field fence and disappears in a puff of feathers for a double.
Batting third is Ramiele Malubay. I'm not sure what she's wearing, but I think Kurt Angle wants his wrestling singlet back. Dolly throws "Do I Cross Your Mind" down the middle of the plate and Ramiele belts it down the left field line. Unfortunately, it's so forgettable, nobody bothers to call it fair or foul.
In the clean up spot is Jason Castro, who is channeling Manny Ramirez with his dreads. He puts a spark into Dolly's "Travelin' Thru" and drives it into right for a single. His stroke reminds me of Paul Simon's swing. Of course, Simon never had the funky head sway Castro has. No one can explain why his head sways so. I suppose it's just Jason being Jason.
Carly Smithson is up next and she's looking more formidable than usual thanks to her tattoos. Dolly delivers an easy "Here You Come Again" and Smithson smacks it deep. This one has the distance. But wait! Before it leaves the park, Simon calls her out for poor wardrobe choice. Ouch!
Now it's the Little Leaguer's turn. David Archuleta steps into the box as a batboy runs from the dugout to place a T-Ball stand on home plate. Dolly carefully sets "Smoky Mountain Memories" on the stand and David gives it an emotional wallop, sending the song soaring in a beautiful arc towards short center field, which should be good enough for a single. But wait! All three umpires are rushing out. And... and... they're calling it a home run! I can't believe it! Well, there's something you don't see every day. Well, unless you watch Idol regularly.
So far, the Idols have managed to string together enough weak hits to bring the seventh singer of the inning to the plate. Kristy Lee Cook steps in. This should be a great at bat. Parton's pitches are right up her alley. Dolly throws "Coat of Many Colors" and this one should be out of the park, but oh, Kristy Lee hits it off the end of the bat. It reaches the right field warning track and dies for an easy out. So disappointing.
Up next is Syesha Mercado. She's taking a few practice swings as the grounds crew rolls a grand piano out to home plate. Syesha hops on the piano. Dolly looks in, reaches back, and hurls "I Will Always Love You". Syesha takes a mighty swing, but before she even makes contact, Randy invokes the Infield Diva Rule. That rule essentially states: "Any contestant who attempts to sing a song made famous by Whitney, Mariah, or Celine will be automatically out." Syesha is ordered off the piano and back to the dugout.
The last contestant to bat is Michael Johns. He settles into his singer's stance. But wait! Randy just called a strike on him for wearing a cravat! Another penalty for poor fashion sense. Johns looks a little unnerved, but he retakes his stance and Dolly pitches "It's All Wrong But It's All Right". I've never seen anybody take such a bluesy swing, but Johns manages to send the song sailing over the left field bleachers, proving he can handle more than just Queen. Thank goodness.
And with that, we leave the ballpark and return you to your computer. Tonight, I hope Ramiele, Kristy Lee, and Syesha are in the bottom three. If I repeat it enough times, it might come true. We'll see.
Song on my mind... "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins
Before she knows it, she's a brand new bride
In her one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her it's a nice place
She says "It'll do for now."
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says "Baby, just slow down."
Cause you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
I first saw him perform this song during the live finale of Celebrity Apprentice. It was an unusually tender moment in an otherwise heartless show. I later heard the song three or four times on the radio over the weekend. (In some parts of California, country radio is the only radio around.)
Over the course of the show, I became a huge Adkins admirer. He was the quiet cowboy in the middle of the celebrity storm (which usually revolved around Omarosa, Piers Morgan, Stephen Baldwin, and that week's future firee).
He rarely spoke or showed emotion, but when he did, it seemed to matter more. The first time he spoke about his daughter (who is six and has severe food allergies), he spoke with a twinkle and a tear in his eye. His austerity gave way to fatherly pride and you could plainly see how much he loved his little girl. The moment was so real, I found myself swearing at the television because he had managed to get me choked up, too.
He was the nicest and most genuine person on the show. He was also one of the most competent and effective players. I was rooting for him to win, but when the competition came down to him and Piers, the obnoxious British judge from America's Got Talent, I had a bad feeling about things. Although everybody loved Trace (including Omarosa and Gene Simmons of all people), Trump declared Piers the winner. It was a disappointing and predictable end to a show Trump threatens will "be around for a long, long time".
By the way, you can watch the video here.
Another Idol hopeful will have his or her hopes crushed in just a few hours, but before that wonderful moment happens, let's relive last night's show. Because I don't have a DVR like a respectable recapper (or weecapper) should, I'm relying entirely on sketchy memories and a page of indecipherable notes.
After introducing the judges (Randy with his goatee, Paula with her black arm-length gloves, and Simon with his I don't know because I'm still bewildered by Paula's gloves), Ryan introduces the Top 10 and tells everybody the contestants will be singing songs from the year they were born. He does this all while walking behind the contestants, which makes it look as though he's playing a game of Duck, Duck, Goose.
First up is Ramiele (a.k.a. the Goose), who was born in 1987. She shares that she bit people as a toddler. Her mother clarifies that Ramiele outgrew biting people (something quite unique) and started singing (something less unique). She sings "Alone", the perfect song for showcasing her belting ability, but instead of belting it, she shout-screams it. Randy and Paula blame the rough performance on Ramiele's cold, but considering she hasn't been good when she's well, I doubt her health is the reason for her troubles.
Next up is Jason, the first of nine Ducks. During his clip, he tells us three things:
- He was born in 1987.
- It's his birthday.
- People used to tell him he had "cute eyes".
I now wish he had only told us two things. He's singing Sting's "Fragile" and singing it pretty well. Or at least I'm hoping he is. It's hard to tell since his voice is barely audible. He appears to be trying to conserve energy. Maybe he's saving it for a big finish. Except the song's already finished and Randy's talking. And now Simon is telling him his guitar work was sloppy and Jason's mumbling something about how he should have maybe practiced more. Wait, what? This is American Idol! Your one chance to make it big! The only thing you should be doing (besides eating, sleeping, and promoting) is practicing! Happy Birthday, Jason. Now WAKE UP!
Syesha's clip reveals she, too, was born in 1987. It also reveals that she can cry like a baby - an actual baby, which is surprisingly creepy. She sings "If I Were Your Woman" and it sounds better than anything she has sung before, but I'm distracted by the crowd. During every performance, people have been waving their arms in the air like they just don't care. It's a bad habit and it needs to stop, except I know it won't. The judges love her performance and I'm sad because it means she'll be here for at least another week.
Chikezie finally breaks the 1987 streak by being born in 1985 (Go Chikezie!). His nice parents tell a nice story about their son. Then Chikezie sings a nice rendition of "If Only For One Night". The guy has a nice voice and it works well with ballads. Unfortunately, this one borders on boring. Simon says he misses Chikezie's personality, but based on last week's schizophrenic performance I wonder which of the six personalities he meant.
Brooke was born in 1983 and we learn she discovered her musical gifts at a young age. After hearing a song on the radio, she went to the family piano and started playing the song by ear. The story would almost be unbelievable if my sister, a gifted pianist, hadn't done the same thing when she was only four. Brooke sings "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. It seems like a strange song choice, but it works for the first minute, while it's only her on the piano. Then the band butts in and shatters the spell. Playing without Rickey Minor and the band might have been the downfall of Josiah Leming, but it's the key to Brooke's success.
Michael, the old man of the group, was born in 1978, which is perfect because it's the year Queen wrote "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions". He sings the living daylights out of the medley and I'm happy to see he's back, but my happiness is short-lived when I realize the only way he'll stay in the competition is if he sings Queen songs for the rest of the season.
Carly, who was born in 1983, tells us how she was named after Carly Simon, which destroys my theory that she was named after Carly Fiorina. I thought the story might segue into her singing a song by her namesake, but now that she's singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart", I guess I was wrong. She's trying hard to keep her voice under control and she's looking tense, like she has the hiccups and is trying to hold her breath. She succeeds until the last line, which sounds awful because she's singing, exhaling, and gasping for air all at the same time.
David Archuleta was born in - I cringe when I say this - 1990. His banter with Ryan is awkward and the subsequent clip doesn't help. He sings "You're the Voice" and it's so awful, it makes me wish he and Ryan would banter some more. It also makes me wonder, "Of all the great songs written in 1990, why couldn't he ruin one I recognize?" Watching him sing Wilson Phillips' "Hold On" could have been so much more entertaining, in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle kind of way.
Kristy was born in 1984, which is the year Lee Greenwood wrote "God Bless the USA". So patriotic. So Fox. I have an instant flashback to the 80s, when I first saw Greenwood perform the song on a Bob Hope special, which I think was filmed on an aircraft carrier. While this is one of Kristy's best performances, it doesn't compare to the original.
In 1982, a kid with an abnormally huge head was born. Who knew that twenty-six years later his body would catch up (mostly) and he would be performing on American Idol? David Cook sings "Billie Jean", which would have been weird if it had been Michael Jackson's original version. Luckily, it's the version by Chris Cornell (of Soundgarden and Audioslave fame). It flows from slow and somber to sublime. The judges give him too much credit for being original and brave, but compared to his competition, he is original and brave. He's also smart for picking the right songs, or at least the right covers of songs.
Prediction: Carly and Chikezie won't be enjoying the comfort and safety of the couches tonight. While I wouldn't mind if both went home, I wouldn't shed a tear if Carly's hopes were crushed first.
Sometimes a second helping of something is one helping too many. When that something is The Beatles, that wouldn't seem possible, but that was the case last night on American Idol, as the remaining eleven contestants tackled songs by the Fab Four for the second week in a row.
Almost everybody had weaker performances. The few who improved only did better because their last performances were so bad, there was no practical way to be worse.
In honor of the continuing stock market unrest, let's run the American Idol ticker tape and see whose prices rose, fell, or remain unchanged after last night's episode.
Advances
Kristy Lee Cook - She performed a safe rendition of "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away", a marked improvement over last week's hoedown (which was nothing like the classic hoedowns on Whose Line Is It Anyway?). Shares of KLC nearly doubled in value from 4.00 to 8.00, despite Simon calling her "musical wallpaper" and "unmemorable, except when she's terrible".
David Archuleta - The Wunderkind rebounded this week with "The Long and Winding Road", which was no surprise. He excels at ballads. They allow him to show his sensitivity. He should stick with slow songs because anything with a fast beat or remotely resembling a rock song seems to overwhelm him. DA rose 10 points to close at 77.50.
Syesha Mercado - I almost didn't recognize her with her hair in such a subdued and stylish state. She sang "Yesterday", which showed her vulnerability. With the exception of one randomly belted line, I liked it. Simon praised her song choice, but then took it back by saying it was the song Brooke should have sung. Shares of YES finished unusually strong, considering the backhanded compliment, at 18.85.
Ramiele Malubay - After a string of rather disappointing performances, Ramiele bounced back with "I Should Have Known Better". The happy-go-lucky song finally allowed us to see what was missing the last few weeks: her great voice and personality. Shares of RAMA rose to 45.50, including a tiny bump because of her fashionable chapeau.
Unchanged
Amanda Overmyer - Every week, Amanda claims to sing a different song, but I swear it's the same one every time. Last night, she sang "Back in the U.S.S.R.". The Overmyerized version sounded exactly like last week's "You Can't Do That". How can somebody with so much energy be so boring? OVER ended the day unchanged at 22.52. Any potential dip in price was offset by her classic remark, "Ballads are boring."
David Cook - Simon called his performance of "Day Tripper" predictable. If by predictable, he meant Cook delivered another solid performance showcasing his vocal and musical abilities (including a nice riff using a talk box), then I completely agree. Except, I don't think he meant that at all. Any "predictability" or "smugness" was offset by Cook's use of the words "euphoric", "epitome", and "appreciative" during his interview. Shares of DC remained even at 85.00.
Declines
Michael Johns - I think Johns should let somebody else pick his songs. The songs he chooses would be great if they could be sung in their entirety, but contestants only get ninety seconds to perform, which means songs must undergo major reductive surgery to fit the allotted time. In the case of "A Day in the Life", Johns botched the job. Based on befuddled reactions by the judges, shares of MJ fell from 75.00 to 72.50.
Brooke White - Coming in, Brooke seemed doomed to disappoint, especially after last week's "Let It Be". Her rendition of "Here Comes the Sun" wasn't bad, but it wasn't blow-me-away good either. If she spent her remaining weeks performing with a guitar or piano, I'd be happy. She's in her element when she has an instrument. The price of BW dipped to 80.25 due to awkwardness during and after the performance (talking over the judges = not good).
Carly Smithson - I don't know what she was wearing, but it looked like a red blouse with a wreath of roses around her collar. The whole thing distracted me from her phone-it-in performance of "Blackbird". Simon called it self-indulgent, but Randy and Paula loved it. I don't know why, but I feel like they're trying to sell me a 10, when Carly is clearly a 7 (as evidenced by the new "7" tattoo on her right ring finger). Shares of CRPY fell to five points to 65.00.
Jason Castro - Castro is a likable guy. Admittedly, I like him more when he's performing with his guitar, because when he's without it, I tend to notice his goofiness. Of course, likable and goofy worked for a few past contestants (Taylor Hicks comes to mind), so maybe he's onto something. He sang "Michelle". His French was fine, but his pronunciation of Michelle (an exaggerated "mee-shell") made me laugh every time. DRLK dropped four points to finish at 69.00.
Chikezie - He tried to recapture last week's magic with "I've Seen a Face", but failed miserably. Actually, he was doing a decent job until he started playing the harmonica. Everything went downhill from there. It was a schizophrenic mess. As one of the judges said, it was like watching six different performances -- none of them good. CHKZ plummeted from 65.00 to 52.31.
Prediction
Amanda, Kristy Lee, and Chizekie will be in the bottom three. Horrified that she is still in the competition, America will send Kristy Lee home... finally... hopefully.
Thanks to Cinequest and the lack of a decent DVR, I missed all three days of American Idol last week, leaving my favorites high and dry, as the show narrowed the field of contestants to twelve. Luckily, America saved them and gave the boot to the singers who needed it most (by my estimation).
While appreciative of the nation's efforts, I felt I needed to do my part this week, so I made a point of being home to see the show live. An added incentive to watch came in the form of this week's musical theme: Lennon and McCartney.
The Beatles have always seemed to cause contestants trouble. One or two have managed to make their melodies shine, but most have only managed to mangle them. That pattern (or tradition) persisted tonight. Most performances were awful, but there were a few saving graces.
To help recap tonight's episode, I've divided the performances into three groups: awful, average, and awesome...
The Awful (or I Think My Ears Retreated into My Head):
Syesha Mercado - At her best, her singing is average, and tonight, she wasn't at her best. Her rendition of "Got to Get You Into My Life" was lackluster.
Ramiele Malubay - When The Beatles sang "In My Life", they made it sound tender and nostalgic. When Ramiele sang it, she made it sound monotonous. I like her, but every week, she keeps disappointing me. She can't seem to fulfill her potential.
David Hernandez - His rendition of "I Saw Her Standing There" was weak. His voice and presence didn't seem big enough for the song. Barring a voting snafu, he'll be the first guy voted off.
Kristy Lee Cook - She meant to sing a country version of "Eight Days A Week", but accidentally sang a Country Bear Jamboree version of it instead. She's going home tomorrow night.
David Archuleta - He rocked Lennon's "Imagine", but wrecked "We Can Work It Out". He didn't seem comfortable with the song and he forgot the lyrics. With any luck, he'll rebound next week.
The Average (or I Can Hear My Ears Snoring):
Jason Castro - Mr. Dreadlocks and Guitar sang "If I Fell". His performance wasn't awful, but it didn't blow me away either. It was frustrating to see because I like his voice and I like him. Plus, it felt like he was cheating on the high notes, at least until he went into his falsetto.
Carly Smithson - Every week, she performs well (or so say the judges), but something about her rubs me the wrong way. And maybe it was just me, but it seemed like she was shouting most of "Come Together".
Amanda Overmyer - Speaking of shouting, Amanda shout-sang "You Can't Do That". Surprisingly, I liked it, but compared to the other performances, it was only so-so.
Michael Johns - He didn't destroy "Across the Universe", but then again, he didn't send it soaring either. He, like Ramiele, showed amazing promise early on, and like her, he's been skating by on it.
The Awesome (or My Ears are in Love):
Chikezie - He delivered an amazing version of "She's a Woman". It was highly stylized and energizing. He owned that stage. It was possibly his best performance to date. Afterwards, Ryan spent seventeen minutes dancing around like a hyperactive child. He's the reason why the show took two hours.
David Cook - When he performs with his electric guitar, it's magical. Tonight, he went without the guitar, but still rocked "Eleanor Rigby". It wasn't his best performance, but it was the best performances of the night.
Brooke White - She played the piano while singing "Let It Be" and it was the perfect combination. Her whole vibe is one of sincerity and simplicity and allowing the piano to be her only accompaniment for most of the song worked. It was a brilliant move. I like her more every week. She and Cook (of the David variety) are my Final Two.
Tonight, two boys and two girls get the boot on American Idol. Before I get to who I want to leave and who I think will leave, I wanted to list my Top 4 from each group.
For the guys, my list looks like this...
4. Jason Castro - I would make a comment about his hair, but then I would have to make a comment about the hair of at least four other contestants. Let's just say he reminds me of a young John Travolta with dreadlocks. The judges let him play the guitar (that was a surprise) and he did a nice job with "Daydream" by the Lovin' Spoonful.
3. Robbie Carrico - He sang "One" by Three Dog Night and while he struggled with the higher notes, he gave it a nice spin. He's the rock version of Justin Timberlake.
2. Michael Johns - He's the Australian who ended the night with The Doors' "Light My Fire". I like his stage presence and confidence.
1. David Cook - He's another contestant with questionable hair, but his singing ability is unquestionable. He rocked The Turtles' "Happy Together". He's this season's Daughtry, if you believe in such things. I hope he makes it to the end.
A quick note about Davids: Besides Cook, there are two other contestants named David this year (Archuleta and Hernandez). It's a sign. I would like to believe it means American Idol is going to have its best season ever, but I fear it's just a harbinger of doom. A lot of people like Archuleta and while I like him, too, he isn't my favorite.
For the girls, my list looks like this...
4. Asia'h Epperson - After a stilted performance by Kady Malloy, Asia'h came out and knocked everybody out with her rendition of "Piece of My Heart" by Janis Joplin.
3. Syesha Mercado - Her happiness and energy is infectious. She sang "Tobacco Road". During the judges' critique, Paula tried to get her to say the word that was in the middle of her name ("yes"), as she had in Hollywood, and Syesha reluctantly complied.
2. Brook White - She also sang "Happy Together" by The Turtles. She had a much cleaner rendition of the song, but I liked it just the same.
1. Ramiele Malubay - She sang Dusty Springfield's "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" and she blew me away. While her voice was amazing, I was impressed by her hair. With so much product in it, her hairdo was tornado-proof.
Now, quickly, since the show is about to start, here are the four I want to leave.
For the guys, it would make me happy to see Jason "Generic" Yeager and Danny "Pucker" Noriega go home. While Yeager simply bored me, Noriega annoyed me. The only thing worse than his eye rolls were his lip puckers, which reminded me of Mick Jagger, another performer whose puckers I can't stand. He's obnoxious, arrogant, immature, and bound to make the Final 8.
Since both of them will be safe this week, Luke Menard, a.k.a. Orlando Bloom, and Garret Haley will be getting the boot. Menard was forgettable and Haley lacked stage presence.
For the girls, my opinion isn't as strong. If I had to choose, I would send Amy Davis and Kristy Lee Cook home. As for my prediction, I think Davis and Kady Malloy will get the boot.
Okay, enough Idol talk for this week. Time to write some comic strips while watching tonight's elimination episode.
After Monday's episode of American Gladiators, the field is down to the final eight contenders -- four men and four women. I've seen every episode and I must admit (regretfully) that the show has grown on me. Don't get me wrong. I still believe it's the funniest thing on television today, but now I'm genuinely eager to find out who will win the competition.
To my surprise (and delight), there have actually been a handful of likable contenders. They are athletic, energetic, and confident (but not excessively or unjustifiably so). They're also competitive, but not to the point of bad mouthing the gladiators or their fellow contenders. I believe the basic concept is known as good sportsmanship. It's a nice quality to see.
My favorite male contender is Evan, the rock climber. He plowed through all four gladiators in Gauntlet and sent Justice flying in Assault. Wolf clobbered him in Pyramid, but couldn't catch him on The Wall. He also rocked The Eliminator, finishing it with the best time of any contender (1:29). The way he scaled the cargo net and cranked through the hand cycle portion was amazing. He is my pick of the guys to win. Barring a double-digit point deficit to Alex (his closest competitor) or an injury, he should do it.
My favorite female contender is Siene, the gymnastics instructor. For some reason, she reminds me of Jodie Foster. She didn't post the fastest time on The Eliminator, but made a decent showing. Unless Monica, the top female finisher, slips up, I don't think Siene has a chance to win. I hope she does (somehow, some way), but it seems doubtful at the moment.
By the way, Monday's episode had one of the funniest moments of the show. The commercials had hyped the showdown between Toni, a 46-year-old ex-Marine, and Kim, a 28-year-old NBA cheerleader. After four events, they were virtually tied. I believe Toni had a one-second lead going into the final round (The Eliminator).
Before they began, Kim made a point to remark this was her moment, her time. And for the first three seconds, it was her time. Then she hit the first obstacle.
She spent the next three minutes trying to scramble over the eight-foot wall. Not even the knotted rope helped. By the time she made it over, the woman sixteen years her senior was nearing the finish line. It took Kim so long to complete the course that by the time she reached the final obstacle, an inclined reverse treadmill known as the Travelator (according to Wikipedia), the producers had turned it off. I think it was meant to show her some mercy, but to me, it only heightened her humiliation.
Anyway, that's enough rambling about the show for now. Next week, I will share a list of suggestions I have for Gladiators, including rule changes, new events, and potential contestants.
I've watched the first two nights of this season's American Idol. Last night, they visited Philadelphia. Tonight, the held auditions in Dallas. In all, it has been four agonizing hours of bad singers, mixed in with a few average singers and one or two potential finalists.
Of everybody I've seen so far, no one has been as memorable as Renaldo Lapuz, the friendly and likable 44-year-old from Las Vegas. He finished tonight's episode with a heartfelt original song entitled "We're Brothers Forever". Moments after the show ended, his performance was already on YouTube. Check it out (I don't know how long it will be before it's yanked). If you want to get right to the song, skip to the 2:30 mark.
I am your brother
Your best friend forever
Singing the songs, the music that you love
We're brothers till the end of time
Together or not, you're always in my heart
This weekend, I
> hiked around Calero County Park. The recent rains made for messy trail conditions. By the time I finished my six-mile hike, my boots were five times heavier and I was three inches taller due to the dirt stuck to the soles. On the bright side, I now have enough soil to pot a plant. I also have a few photos that might be worth posting.
> biked along the Coyote Creek Parkway in Anderson Lake County Park. The nearly nine-mile trip wore me out. I blame it on the bike, which is new, inexperienced, and out of shape. It also has a bad attitude. The slightest hint of an uphill slope produced grumbling and whining. I even heard it swear under its breath once or twice. To teach it a lesson, I plan to ride it regularly until its attitude improves. (This is known as projecting, a proven technique for relieving aching legs.)
> finished reading my third book of the year. It was easy to accomplish since the first two books were by Terry Pratchett (Pyramids and Eric). Books well oiled with wit and humor make for quick reads. The third book was Blood Rites by Jim Butcher. What it lacked in laughs, it made up for with vampires.
> watched Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. The show premiered last night. I never was a fan of the Schwarzenegger trilogy, but I was curious to see how Summer Glau did as the new Terminator sent to protect John Connor. The last time I saw her, she was River on Firefly. In that show, she was all about emotions and huddling in corners. In this show, she's all about cold, blank stares and kicking butt everywhere she goes. I'll probably watch another episode or two, but I don't know if I can last an entire season. Shows featuring endless pursuits and constant violence are exhausting to watch.
> assembled the new Indiana Jones and the Lost Tomb LEGO set. It's silly, I know, but when I saw the box on the shelf, I couldn't resist it, especially after I saw the Indy minifigure included his trademark fedora, shoulder bag, and whip. To my credit, I didn't let my inner-ten-year-old run completely wild. I managed to postpone purchasing the most expensive set available (the $60 Temple Escape). I'm saving that as a resolution reward for later in the year. Of course, after I finished building the tomb, I had to watch Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, the movie that inspired it all.
American Gladiators, a show that originally aired nineteen years ago, returned with a two-hour premiere last night. I don't remember much about the original, so I tuned in to refresh my memory. I was richly rewarded with two hilarious hours of mindless entertainment. We're only a week into 2008, but I'm willing to go on the record to declare American Gladiators the best new comedy of the year.
The premise is simple. Everyday Joes and Janes (a.k.a. firefighters, Marines, amateur athletes) compete against each other and a group of gladiators (a.k.a. behemoths in Spandex) in the hopes of winning $100,000. It's a tournament that requires strength, agility, and an ego of Herculean proportions.
It's the funniest thing I've seen on network television in a long time. Here are a few reasons why...
- Hulk Hogan. He co-hosts the show with Laila Ali. Hogan is one of those guys you can easily build a drinking game around. Here are two rules to get you started: 1) Every time Hulk leans in and points at the camera, take a shot (of espresso). 2) Every time he calls somebody "brother" or "girl", take two shots (of espresso). With just those rules, you should be bouncing off the walls within ten minutes.
- Contender Egos. The big talkers on American Idol are models of modesty compared to the contestants on American Gladiator. If you are 5' 7", 155 pounds, and call yourself Spider Monkey, you shouldn't be talking smack to anybody resembling Titan, who is 6' 3", 251 pounds, and doesn't have an ounce of humor on him; not unless you like the warm, fuzzy feeling that comes from having your body twisted into the shape of a pretzel. Contenders who talk a big game make great punch lines when they receive their comeuppance.
- Gladiator Names. They strike poses meant to inspire fear, but their names only inspire giggles. It's difficult to be afraid of anybody who would willingly call themselves Crush, Fury, Venom, Hellga, Justice, Mayhem, Militia, or Wolf. If they want to really instill fear in their opponents, they should choose names like Health Care or Foreclosure.
- Toa. Of the gladiators, he has the best trademark (or gimmick). Unlike Wolf, whose gimmick is a howl (or something that is supposed to be a rough approximation of a howl), Toa's trademark is the haka, a traditional dance from New Zealand. It involves slapping the body, stomping the feet, and sticking out the tongue. Every time he performs it, I can't help but laugh. Admittedly, it isn't a kneeslapping, rolling-on-the-floor laugh. It's more of a nervous, sense-of-impending-doom laugh.
Another episode of American Gladiators airs tonight. If you are in need of a good laugh, I highly recommend watching it. It won't raise your IQ, but it's guaranteed to raise your spirits. And don't forget to make plenty of espresso.
This weekend, I
> watched the Sci Fi Channel's Tin Man online. It's a miniseries that takes L. Frank Baum's "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" and gives it a modern science fiction twist. Unless you're a silver-slipper-wearing Ozophile or somebody who must watch every second of film featuring Zooey Deschanel, this is 6 hours of entertainment you can skip (4.5 hours without commercials).
Some of the re-imagined elements are clever (like Toto as a shapeshifter), but most are corny (like tattoos that transform into flying monkeys). Instead of Dorothy in Oz, we get DG in the O.Z. (and no, Mischa Barton does not play the Scarecrow).
For me, the most compelling character wasn't DG, but Wyatt Cain (played by Neal McDonough). He's a former policeman (or "tin man") who rebelled against the evil witch, was imprisoned in a metal suit by her henchmen, and forced to relive the moment when they took his family (his heart) from him for many years. After DG frees him, he sets out on a quest to exact revenge. Keeping that storyline and eliminating everything else would have made for fifteen minutes of worthwhile television.
> read Jim Butcher's Storm Front. Inspired by Ealasaid's praise for his books earlier this year (bottom half of the page) and needing a few "quick reads" to successfully reach my goal of 52 books in 52 weeks (7 books in 21 days is doable, right?), I began reading The Dresden Files.
Harry Dresden is a wizard struggling to make a living as a private investigator in Chicago. In the first book, while trying to help the police solve a supernatural murder case, he battles scorpions, a vampiress, a demon, and a black mage. He also tries to go out on a date. As expected, Dresden has more success battling than dating.
With one foot in fantasy and the other in mystery, Butcher combines to the two genres and creates a story that is exciting, well-paced, funny, and original. I'm already reading the second Dresden book and can't wait to see how the rest of the series unfolds.
> saw The Golden Compass. I went with high expectations and wasn't disappointed. Chris Weitz did a good job of adapting the first book in Philip Pullman's trilogy to the big screen. He managed to keep the film to a reasonable length (just under two hours) without losing the joy of the story (the mystery of Dust, the alethiometer, the Gyptians, and the armored polar bears). There were changes and omissions from the book, but they weren't as egregious as those I've seen in other recent adaptations.
The movie also benefited from an outstanding cast. Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig were convincing as Mrs. Coulter and Lord Asrial. Sam Elliott was made to play the cowboy aeronaut, Lee Scoresby. But most of all, I couldn't get enough of Dakota Blue Richards as Lyra Belacqua. She came across as a smart, brave, clever, defiant, curious, and vulnerable young woman. In other words, she portrayed Lyra perfectly.
After I saw The Fellowship of the Ring, I left the theater wishing I could go back in and see the sequel. The Golden Compass gave me a similar feeling. Unfortunately, The Subtle Knife doesn't come out until 2009.
> sauntered around Calero County Park. Because of a late start on Sunday afternoon, I was only able to hike 3.6 miles of the full 6.2-mile loop suggested in the Healthy Trails brochure. I'll post a short report with a photo or two tonight. I hope to try the full hike (or a longer hike) at the end of the week.
Yesterday, TV Guide's Ausiello Report produced a handy cheat sheet of how many fresh episodes remain for each show if the writers' strike continues indefinitely. For most of my favorite shows (Bones, Chuck, Heroes, Pushing Daisies), they have anywhere between 4 and 6 episodes left, which should get them into December. Fans of Men in Trees should be rejoicing because their show has the most episodes remaining of any of this season's offerings with 14. Fans of The Office, myself included, who were spoiled with double doses of the comedy series, should appreciate what we had because only one new episode remains. After this week, it is repeats until the writers resume work.
With the fall television season well under way, I thought it would be fun to list the shows I'm watching (or not watching, in some cases). Instead of listing them in one big batch, I have broken the list down into easy to understand categories and added notes where appropriate...
Shows I Still Love...
- Bones - The cadavers still creep me out, but I stick around for the bickering between Brennan and Booth.
- Heroes - The chessboard is reset and new pieces (as well as old) are in play.
- How I Met Your Mother - Ted and Robin's on-again-off-again relationship is growing old, but the show still makes me laugh.
- Law and Order: SVU - My favorite of the L&O trio is still strong and I like the addition of Adam Beach as a new detective.
- The Office - Steve Carell, Rainn Wilson, and John Krasinski continue to make me laugh.
Shows I Once Loved That Now Make Me Cringe...
- Grey's Anatomy
- Desperate Housewives
- My Name is Earl
I don't know if the shows changed or my tastes changed, but in either case, whatever magic was there is gone.
New Shows I Wanted to Like That I Actually Like...
- Chuck - The show is worth watching if for no other reason than to see Adam Baldwin (Jane on Firefly) playing a tough guy in khakis and a green Buy More polo shirt.
- Life - Damien Lewis rocks as Charlie Crews
Shows I Have Been Actively Avoiding...
- Dirty Sexy Money
- Big Shots
- K-Ville
- Journeyman
- Ugly Betty
The last show on the list isn't going anywhere, but I'm hoping the other four disappear quickly so the fall replacements can fill their spots.
New Shows I Have Taken an Unexpected Shining To...
- Big Bang Theory - Before the show stales, I'm milking it for every laugh I can get. I also watch it for the theme song sung by Barenaked Ladies.
- Kid Nation - Watching 40 kids struggle and learn to establish a pioneer town in the desert is strangely appealing. Michael and Sophia are my favorites of the bunch.
Shows I Peeked at to Gain a Greater Appreciation for the Rarity of Good Shows...
- Gossip Girl
- Bionic Woman
- Cavemen
I had hoped to blog the premiere of Heroes as it happened, but I'm apparently one of those people who gets so caught up in a show that I forget to type as the action progresses. Normally, I would rely on commercials to catch up, but since last night's show had "limited" commercial interruptions, that wasn't possible.
What follows are the notes (with timestamps) from last night's show. If you haven't watched it and don't want to know what happened (or, more accurately, what I think happened), then it's probably best to stop reading right now. Also, if you want a better or funnier recap of the episode, it's best to check out Heroes Wiki or Television Without Pity.
The notes begin below the fold...
(This entry's title is courtesy of a random title generator.)
Today is the second day of fall. I would have posted on the first day of the new season, but between yard work and an intense feeling of never wanting to see the Movable Type interface again after such a harrowing upgrade experience, I didn't get around to it.
As far as I can tell, everything survived the upgrade except the banner. The latest version of M.T. allows users to select predesigned styles or themes for their blogs, which is convenient if you don't mind your journal looking exactly like somebody else's journal, but is a pain if you do mind and want to tweak the theme to add your own personality.
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It rained on Friday night and Saturday, which I must admit was a nice change of pace. The rain teased us Friday evening, giving us a thirty-minute preview of what was to come. It was as though it was simply testing the water, if you will - dipping its toe to see if the temperature was bearable. Five hours after the toe dip, the rain plunged right in and didn't let up until Saturday afternoon, making the last day of summer feel more like fall.
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Barry Bonds was on the front page of every local newspaper on Saturday. Headlines like "Bye-Bye, Barry" and "Gone" adorned the image of the rather dour looking slugger. The Giants are letting him go at the end of the season. I was stunned by the news. I had hoped they would finally release him to allow the team to move on, but I didn't actually expect them to do it. Bonds doesn't plan to retire, which means he'll be playing for a different team next season. It's going to be so strange to see him wearing a different uniform after fifteen years of seeing him in black and orange.
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The new television season starts tonight for the major networks. It's the season premiere of many shows, but the one I'm anticipating most is Heroes. I'm curious to find out what happened to Hiro, who was stranded in 17th-century Japan when we last saw him. I'm also curious to know what happened to Peter Petrelli. He was on the verge of exploding in the season finale, but from the previews, it looks like he survived (and used the explosion as an excuse to get a haircut).
The other show I'm looking forward to is the oversold Chuck, a new series by Josh Schwartz, the creator of The O.C. and Gossip Girl.
Chuck is a regular guy working at a computer store who gets mixed up with the NSA and CIA after he opens an email from an old college roommate (who happens to be a rogue CIA agent) containing top secret government intelligence.
I watched the pilot online (Yahoo! was offering a sneak peek) and it tickled my funny bone. In A-meets-B terms, the show is Ed Meets Alias. Zachary Levi reminds me of a younger Tom Cavanaugh.
While I like the show, I'm guessing the network will pull it in six episodes, which is four episodes longer than I expect Journeyman, the other show in NBC's Monday night roster, to live.
I watched last night's Emmy Awards because, well, it was the remote control's night off and the television doesn't like to be touched. That's what happens when your set develops a keen aversion to germs. I would have changed the channel, but it's always unnerving to see the television wipe itself down with disinfectant afterwards.
Instead of general rambling, like I did last year, I thought I'd try a more structured approach to summarize my sentiments using Hits and Misses.
Hits:
Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart: When the duo presented for Best Actor in a Comedy Series, they targeted the greenness of the Emmys, a point of pride with the Academy. Colbert came out using a leaf blower. After Stewart chastised him for using such an environmentally unfriendly device, Colbert revealed that it was powered using an alternative fuel: Al Gore's tears. Ricky Gervais won, but since he wasn't there, the pair let their pal, Steve Carell, accept the award on his behalf.
Elaine Stritch: She and Stan Tucci won for Best Guest in a Comedy Series. Instead of getting a chance to accept on live television, they presented. Stritch was hilarious. She and Tucci were on stage for no more than a minute when Stritch unsuccessfully tried to stifle a yawn. Then she had trouble reading the teleprompter and at one point said something to the effect that, "I'm not faking this. I really don't know what the hell I'm doing." Poor Stan looked lost the entire time.
Terry O'Quinn: The Lost star won for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. I was rooting for either him or Masi Oka of Heroes to win.
Jeremy Piven: My favorite actor on a television show I don't watch (Entourage) won for the second time in a row as Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.
Helen Mirren: She won for Best Actress in a Miniseries for Prime Suspect, a British show that airs on PBS. Unlike almost every other winner, she actually had to coax the orchestra to start playing so she could leave the stage.
Ellen DeGeneres: She was expected to introduce a segment, but ended up having to improvise for nearly a minute while crew members scrambled to get the teleprompter up and running. For a second, I thought she had actually taken over hosting duties from Ryan Seacrest.
Misses:
Ryan Seacrest: The show's host was affable when he was on, but he was rarely on. In fact, I think Wayne Brady and the Jersey Boys occupied the stage longer than Seacrest. May we please have Conan O'Brien back next year?
Kanye West: He and Rainn Wilson participated in an awkward singing contest that I'm guessing was an abbreviated version of Wayne Brady's show, Don't Forget the Lyrics. Wilson was brilliant, but it was five minutes the 3-hour-and-11-minute-long award show could have done without.
Theater-in-the-Round: At first, I liked the idea of a circular stage surrounded by an audience, but as the night progressed, it became apparent that Fox wasn't making good use of it and everybody who took the stage seemed uncomfortable with it. If used again, they need to have more than one microphone and camera. The best feature of the stage: the trapdoor in the middle.
The Jersey Boys: Their performance was amazing, but what Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons has to do with The Sopranos is still a mystery to me. Was Valli ever part of the mob? Did Tony Soprano ever sing falsetto in a quartet?
Tony Bennett and Christina Aguilera: The pairing actually worked, but the song, "Stepping Out With My Baby", was too stilted and mellow to provide much punch.
Sally Field: She was frenetic and flustered on stage as she accepted her award for Best Actress in a Drama Series. It was painful to watch as she shouted down the music and tried to finish saying whatever it was she was trying to say.
Censorship: At three points in the show, Fox interrupted the broadcast with some bizarre shot of the auditorium in silence. I initially thought it was a wrong camera cue. I finally caught on that they were using it to censor disagreeable material. They used it during Ray Romano's endless presentation, during Sally Field's acceptance speech, and just as Katherine Heigl won for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series (she apparently swore when her name was called). I believe bleeping or cutting the audio would have been sufficient to protect sensitive ears. Cutting away completely was just confusing.