August 2003 Archives

Me: Did you grab a donut?
B1: Nah, I'm not really a donut person.
Me: Huh? Who's not a donut person?
B1: Well, actually, I'm not really a breakfast person.
Me: Huh.
B1: Yeah, I'm just not into getting up in the AM.

E1: Ooh. Donuts!
Me: Yep! Go on and have one.
E1: What's the occasion?
Me: (quietly) Just my birthday.
E1: Really! Are we going to sing you "Happy Birthday"?
Me: No! In fact, anyone who sings, doesn't get a donut.
E1: (pauses) Oh look, this one has sprinkles!

I'm on the train an hour earlier than usual for a company breakfast in Willow Glen, the town within San Jose. The neighborhood is made up of old, tiny homes on narrow streets under the canopy of full-grown trees. The downtown section is mainly composed of independent stores and restaurants, but signs of homogenization are becoming more apparent.

My birthday is tomorrow, but let's keep that between you and me. The office has a tradition where the birthday boy or girl brings in goodies for everybody. This year will be donuts. The older tradition involved singing the birthday song, but some compassionate soul put an end to the humiliation a couple years ago.

Anyway, what made yesterday special was C, E, A and J treating me to lunch at Hukilau, one of my favorite restaurants. J had to rub it in that this would be my last year as a twenty-something. He didn't want me forgetting that fact in my old age. It was a small and low-key celebration, which I prefer and enjoy more than being in the spotlight. I'm lucky to be working with such good people.

This weekend will be my first "real" camping experience. We'll be at one of the group campsites in the Sequoia & Kings Canyon National Parks. I'm excited and worried. Excited because there will be hiking, exploring, beautiful vistas and hopefully a good mix of solitude and companionship. Worried because I don't know if I'm really cut out for roughing it.

After all, I was raised in a family that detests camping. My mom made my dad pack away his gear many years ago. Mention camping to my sister and she envisions Survivor. You can count the number of family camping excursions on one asterisked finger. The asterisk would refer to a footnote about "camping" in a completely furbished cabin with electricity, running water and telephone. By that definition, I've also camped by Disneyland.

I suppose part of my worries stem from a desire to do things right the first time. When I picture the ideal camper, I imagine rugged men and women with survival skills and know-how. If you were to look me up in the thesaurus today, rugged would be an antonym. I want to change that. I just have to remind myself it won't happen overnight. Even experienced campers had to start somewhere and learn from their mistakes.

So the best I can do is read up, ask for advice, purchase proper gear and be as prepared as possible. I want this weekend to be fun and safe. This isn't full-fledged backpacking in the wilderness, but it's a beginning. I'm looking forward to it.

After I got off the train, I stopped by The Second Cup & Eatery (not to be confused with Canada's Second Cup) for breakfast.

The guy behind the counter, who I will affectionately nickname SCG (Second Cup Guy), smiled and said, "Hi, may I help you?"

Craning my neck to scan the menu hanging about six feet above my head, I replied, "Hi! I'd like a bran muffin and a tall latte."

SCG asked, "You mean large?"

I scanned the menu once more. Unable to spot the word large and being clueless, I said, "No, I mean tall."

SCG grabbed two different sized cups and with a hint of work-with-me-here in his voice, he asked, "Okay, do you want a Starbucks tall or a real tall?"

The light bulb of understanding abruptly came on and I exclaimed, "Ohhh! A real tall, please. Sorry about that, I was confused."

"Don't worry, people come in here all the time ordering with Starbucks sizes. We're trying to break them of the habit."

This morning is so foggy, but at least it's not raining. It doesn't feel like summer at all.

I can tell school has started again. The Bellarmine Boys are back on the train for their fall session. Traffic around San Jose State is horrendous. My sister finally buckled and bought books for her graduate classes.

This entry doesn't have much of a point. I was attempting to write another entry and got stuck, so I ended up here. The other one was about how I procrastinate too much. This would be exhibit A.

Lightning flashed, thunder clapped and lights dimmed. I looked out the window to watch the peculiar weather. For a brief while, I listened to the silence and then the sudden rush of raindrops hitting the rooftop. Before going to bed, I set my watch alarm, placing it close to my head, to wake me up if the power went out. I then slept peacefully through the storm.

I reached the garage quickly after the last song finished at the park. My hand went to my back pocket for the parking stub, the one I had put there when I first got out of the car. Instead of paper or even spare change, all my fingers felt was denim. I patted myself down, looked in my bag and on the ground, but it wasn't there.

On the ticket machine was a button marked "Lost Tickets". I closed one eye, scrunched my face and gingerly pressed it. The screen displayed a message, "Please pay $15.00." I did a double take. With the ticket, parking would've been free. Now I was faced with the prospect of paying big dollars.

In disbelief, I retraced my steps. Back I went to the park, to the various places I stood or sat. Back I went to the juice bar where I had a guava smoothie. Then back to Peggy Sue's where I had a caesar salad with chicken. (An aside... That makes three salad-only dinners in a row. What does it mean?). The missing ticket was nowhere to be found. I patted myself down one more time to make sure I hadn't overlooked anything. It was the last futile attempt before accepting defeat.

The sky is stubbornly overcast, giving grayness to everything. As I typed that sentence, the sun suddenly burst through the clouds.

My thoughts have been all over the place today. I'm feeling antsy and I'm eager to get out of the office. I attribute the restlessness to not running this week. I've been walking quite a bit, but that's all. This is bad news considering there is a 5K to run on Sunday.

I need to promise myself to run at least a mile or two tonight, just to make sure my legs still work. I made the same promise on Tuesday, but it didn't seem to stick. I wonder if writing it here will keep me to my word.

Barry Bonds takes bereavement leave:
8/15, SF loses to Montreal, 1-4
8/16, SF loses to Montreal, 1-4
8/17, SF loses to Montreal, 2-4
8/18, SF loses to Montreal, 0-4

Bonds returns:
8/19, SF beats Atlanta, 5-4

Bonds' tenth inning home run into McCovey Cove ended the Giants' longest losing streak of the season. Thank goodness he's back.

This is the last train home. It's about a quarter to seven on a Tuesday evening. By the luck of the draw, this is one of the newer ones with overhead storage and tables, so I have somewhere to rest this antiquated Palm keyboard. Hardly anyone else is aboard.

I would have taken an earlier train, but visited the new main library instead. When I bring my camera next time, I'll share some of the "interesting" public art. The place is immense and beautiful.

I was trying to hunt down a copy of David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day. The catalog said to check the shelves, so I did, but found absolutely nothing. While I could have expended more energy searching for it in the vastness that was the library, I didn't bring enough food or water.

Me: So Mom, what do you want for your birthday?
Mom: Nothing.
Me: No really, what do you want?
Mom: Nothing... well, maybe the soundtrack from Sound of Music. Your sister plays the same DVD scenes over and over. With the CD, she can listen to the songs without turning on the television.
Me: Okay, that's really a present for her. How about for you?
Mom: Nothing... well, I have been thinking about getting a scanner.
Me: Cool. I-
Mom: I already know which one I want. I'll buy it and you can pay me back.
Me: You haven't quite grasped the whole birthday concept yet, have you. I'll take care of it.

A tug-of-war of wills followed.

So after she bought it, I reimbursed her and set everything up. It was part of the negotiations. To think, this was actually an easier birthday gift year.

I went to Music in the Park last night, which was relaxing and fun.

As I walked through the crowd, I felt a tug at my sleeve. I turned and there was a tall built guy wearing a gray long-sleeved t-shirt, white shorts, a red reversed cap and dark shades.

He leaned forward and said over the music, "Hey man, didja know the A's lost today? It was awful. Just thought you'd like to know." I was confused at first, but then I remembered I was wearing an Oakland Athletics visor.

Being quick-thinking and articulate, I replied, "Oh. That sucks. Thanks for the news." Articulate, I tell you.

"No problem," he said with an upward nod. He then drank some beer before turning back to his group.

As I walked away, I kept wondering if he let every baseball fan know the score or if he was the personal sportscaster I never knew I had. It was a little strange, but kind of cool.

I've been meaning to share this for a couple of weeks now.

About two weeks ago, I went on a hike in Big Basin Redwoods State Park. We did the Berry Creek Loop via the Sunset Trail and Skyline to the Sea Trail. It was approximately eleven miles and took us about five hours to complete.

We were a party of five. I got there late, but by some minor miracle, the group was still around the visitor's center. We were initially joined by another guy who was extremely friendly and told me about life in marketing, life in Norway and the details of voluntarily starving himself for a week as part of a bet. After running out of water and possibly coming to his senses, he headed back to base with another group.

The group I hiked with is a pretty active bunch. Most are into running, power walking, cycling or hiking. Being around them was a little intimidating, but at the same time, very motivating. The hike itself was invigorating and I really hope to be venturing on more trails soon.

A more positive entry is in order.

From August 16th through November 2nd of this year, the San Jose Museum of Art will be exhibiting Surf Culture: The Art History Of Surfing. If you like surfing and are around the Bay Area, it might be cool to check out.

Speaking of surf art, this month's issue of 28mm has a gallery of surfing photos. I learned about the magazine from a journal whose author had some of his own cool work featured.

Tonight is Music in the Park. Blue October and Eve 6 will be performing. Blue October's "Calling You" has been on my mind for the last couple of days.

I thought that the world had lost its sway
It's so hard sometimes
Then I fell in love with you
Then came you
And you took that away
It's not so difficult
The world is not so difficult

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday.

It was recommended I write all my worries on a piece of paper and then throw it away. That seems fine, but then all my worries would be in a nearby trash can.

If I could, I would drive myself to a solitary beach, scrawl all my worries in the sand and watch the waves wash them away. It is horribly overdramatic, I know, but if we're shooting for powerful symbolism, why not?

Some days I feel like a house of bricks and other days I feel like a house of cards. The truth is I've always wanted others to see me as strong and stable, seemingly indestructible, never needing reinforcement. I thought if I appeared to be anything less, I wouldn't be accepted.

But some of those bricks are simply brick-patterned cards, only for show. Some of the holes they hide will be filled as I learn and grow, but others will always be there, weaknesses inherent to me.

I have to come to terms with other people seeing my flaws and have faith I'll be accepted anyway. If I think I've been fooling everybody else by covering it up, I've been fooling myself. The truth is any acceptance worth earning shouldn't require a facade.

Whatever illusions I had about my ability to handle stress were shattered yesterday. I had a number of anxiety attacks and they are something I never want to experience again. Arms tingled, muscles tightened, breath shortened and I compounded it all by believing they were fatal.

I went to see the doctor, just to ease my own mind. I wanted to be sure there wasn't something wrong with my heart or anything else. I felt relieved after the tests came back showing everything was "normal". He recommended I try to relax, alleviate stress and think positively. I wondered if his prescription came in tablet or liquid form.

So today I've given myself a few tasks. One is to list everything that stresses me out, big and small. The next item is to list what I've been doing to relieve the stress. The final one is to list other ways I can handle the stress differently.

I feel like a closet. Outside is a nice clean door, but hidden inside is a pile of junk about to come tumbling out. I need to take time to organize the contents, take more responsibility for what is kept and thrown out. It's never too late for some spring cleaning.

I think yesterday's scare woke me up to the fact that I'm still wound too tightly. I get worked up over things and leave them unresolved while being too focused on appearing unfazed. Calmness is more than what is shown on the outside. Emotionally, I need to take better care of myself.

Yesterday, I ran the Gift Of Life 5K in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park. The race was a loop that began and ended at the Conservatory of Flowers. Along the way it circled Stow Lake, passing by Huntington Falls and the Chinese Pavilion.

I ran the relatively flat course in 24:44, which is a personal best, but much slower than other runners in my age bracket. For the first few races, being in the middle of the pack didn't bother me, but my competitive spirit is starting to kick in and wants to win, at least once.

On a different note, I'm so taken with the park and the amount of activity that courses through it. The number of joggers, rollerbladers, cyclists and tourists is amazing. Where I usually run, solitude is easily achievable. While I enjoy it most of the time, there are days when it would be nice to be surrounded by other active people. It's yet another reason why I would love to live in the City.

Yesterday, I worked later than I wanted and missed the regular train, which made me grumpy. To improve my mood and inspired by Sara, I went in search of neon, this week's theme for Theme Thursday. Luckily, there was plenty of neon on my way to the depot. This sign hangs above the Chinese Gourmet Express.

I caught the next train, but it was halted a station away from home due to a horrible accident near my stop. At first, we thought the delay was due to a nearby explosion, but the conductors updated us and recommended we find alternate transportation. Luckily, my dad was able to give me a ride home. As an unexpected bonus, he also loaned me a copy of Treasure Planet.

When I reached the house, I was exhausted. I grabbed a quick bite to eat, popped in the DVD and promptly nodded off. I was awakened by Johnny Rzeznik twice, first when he sang "I'm Still Here" and then during the credits. He was the best part of the movie.

a.k.a. "What I Did For Good Coffee"

This morning, I was walking by the usual coffee shops and nothing stood out. I reached the corner and suddenly had the urge for a particular blend... midnight royal. Just like that, out of the blue.

But there was a problem. The market that sold midnight royal was six blocks out of the way and I didn't have much time. Sure, it would be a two-minute detour if I were driving or running really fast, unconcerned about becoming roadkill. But on foot, it was a good ten-minute excursion. I could do it, but it would be cutting it close.

Go or don't go? I was about to stand on the corner and agonize when a rogue thought pushed aside my indecision and yelled, "Do it! Do it now! Get the coffee!" With a determined pace and help from some fortuitously synchronized signals, I made it to the market, bought a cup and managed to get to work on time.

And that's what I did for good coffee.

As I sit here craving a croissant, I seriously think this train should have a breakfast car.

Outside is so gray and chilly. It's as though the weather has completely forgotten about summer.

I'm never sure if this journal is suppose to reflect who I am or project who I want to be.

I asked my folks to tape Last Comic Standing so I could watch who won. Early morning blog surfing revealed the answer prematurely. Now I'll have to act surprised when I see it.

When I have plenty, nobody wants it. But when I'm in short supply, it's in high demand. I really need to manage my time better.

Tomorrow, I'll remember to bring breakfast with me.

Last night, we saw Aida at the Center for Performing Arts. None of the songs were memorable like The Lion King, but they were eclectic. The three leads sang wonderfully and I loved the out-of-nowhere fashion show during "My Strongest Suit".

I felt sorry for the lady who sat next to me and paid good money for a two-hour nap (with snoring). I hope it was worth it.

Lunch was perfect today. I mean it. What did I eat? Nothing special and it was wonderful. Fifteen minutes walking downtown, thirty minutes eating and reading in a random cafe and fifteen minutes walking back to the office.

For the last few weeks, it seems, every lunch has been with at least one other person. Don't get me wrong. I love the company and I'm not wishing for a sudden end to all future lunch plans, but every once in a while, it's good to spend the midday hour alone.

The weather was gorgeous, I was away from my desk and away from my computer. I was surrounded by people I didn't know and who didn't know me. It was liberating to relax and think in peace. I needed the change.

Over the weekend, my sister and I watched the first three episodes of My So-Called Life (one of her favorite shows). There weren't any startling revelations, but a few observations.

First, when Once and Again (a show by the same producers) originally aired, I didn't make a connection between that show's oldest daughter and Angela Chase. The similarities in appearance and attitude struck me, as though the original character was so good, she had to be reincarnated.

Second, watching commercial-free television is very nice. Of course, for the price of one season, it better be. With D's birthday a month away, the series on DVD would make a great gift.

Third, we both thought most of the characters were believable, but my sister had a problem with Brian Krakow, the brainy, outcast classmate. She doesn't think any real teenage boy would ride his bike aimlessly in the street at night, sit in a tree and read a book by flashlight or have that hairstyle. I say kids like Krakow really exist, hair and all, in my humble opinion.

And finally, I'm amazed how the show still resonates with me. When I first saw it nine years ago, I really only identified with the teenagers. I didn't completely grasp the parents' point of view. They were adults after all. But now, I "get" where they are coming from. I can empathize more. It must be a sign of old age.

It's already August and I'm amazed how an entire new month could just sneak up on me like that. Because it's Friday, it's time for a light-hearted five.

1. What time do you wake up on weekday mornings?
I wake up around 6 AM, give or take thirty minutes.

2. Do you sleep in on the weekends? How late?
On Saturdays, yes. I'm up just in time to watch Kim Possible (around 10 AM). What? On Sundays, I'm up between 8 and 9.

3. Aside from waking up, what is the first thing you do in the morning?
You mean after my eyes are open? I do a big full-body stretch. Then I fall out of bed.

4. How long does it take to get ready for your day?
Without distractions, about thirty minutes, including breakfast. But remember, I'm easily distracted.

5. When possible, what is your favorite place to go for breakfast?
The local House of Bagels, which serves Peet's and a wide assortment of bagels and sandwiches. It's in the heart of downtown and just up the street from the train station.

Here's hoping for a happy August.