American Idol 7: The Final Three And The Challenge Of Choice

(Or, As A Grail Knight Said, "You Have Chosen... Poorly.")

(For archival and amusement purposes only.)

Last night, the three remaining contestants sang three songs: one chosen by the judges, one chosen by the contestants, and one chosen by the producers. As you will see, in most cases, these weren't the people who should have been doing the chosing. Let's travel back in time and relive an abbreviated version of the show...

Round One

Paula chooses Billy Joel's "And So It Goes" for David Archuleta to exploit his timbre, which makes me instantly wonder, "Aren't there laws regarding minors, their timbres, and the exploitation thereof?" I hate to say it, but the song really accentuates Archie's timbre, which sounds dirtier than I want it to, but Paula started it. His first lines are a cappella and it's my favorite Archie moment of the entire season. This moment dies the instant he starts squinting, a nasty habit he acquired after ALW told him to keep his eyes open. (My resentment of that bit of advice grows with each passing week.) Randy claims Archuleta could sing the phone book and sound great, which is Jackson's way of saying he would have preferred to have heard him sing the phone book. In fact, this just in: Archuleta's first single will be "Area Code 650: Al-An". Platinum all the way, baby.

For Syesha, Randy chooses Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You". The beginning starts out too low, but she works her way back into her vocal comfort zone and finishes strong. For the first time, I can envision the type of song she would sing on the radio, which is to say, something in the catchy, yet generic family.

Simon chooses Roberta Flack's "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" for David Cook, which reinforces my belief that he's out to get him. Cook looks nervous and his first few notes sound tentative, but then he hits a couple of critical notes in his falsetto and he's suddenly in a groove. The song builds and builds until the crowd is in a frenzy and the last twenty seconds outshine anything Archuleta has done vocally up to this point. Afterwards, I search YouTube for Flack's original version and discover Leona Lewis, Simon's X Factor discovery, sang the song, which now reinforces my belief that Cowell likes Cook a lot.

Round One Rankings:

1. Cook
2. Archuleta (by a hair)
3. Syesha

Round 2

As soon as Archuleta says he's singing Chris Brown's "With You", I hear my inner Admiral Adama yelling, "Action stations! All ears, action stations! Brace for impact!" Archuleta's phrasing is all wrong and I say this with all sincerity, dancing and David don't mix. They should never mix. If there were ever a time to put him behind a piano, this would be the time. I don't care if he can't play a note. Have him play middle C for ninety seconds and it will be a million times better than whatever it is he's doing right now.

Syesha chooses to sing Peggy Lee's "Fever". For once, the whole Broadway effect doesn't work, yet it's an improvement over what Archuleta just did. I drift off at the end thinking about her pre-song interview, which rubbed me the wrong way. It seemed like she was doing a bad impression of Reese Witherspoon doing an impression of June Carter Cash.

Cook's choice is Switchfoot's "Dare You To Move", one of my favorite songs. A tiny voice in my head shouts, "Yes!" The song starts slowly, which would be okay if he had four minutes to perform it, but he doesn't. He's barely into the best part of the song and it's done. It feels incomplete and I feel gypped. I want more. That's what she said! Actually, that is what she said... she being Paula.

Round Two Rankings:

1. Cook
2. Syesha
3. Archuleta

Round 3

Perhaps the producers are out to get Archuleta because they give him "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg. It's bland. It doesn't help that his background singers aren't in tune or in time with him. I suspect they might be singing a completely different song. Anyway, I have to agree with Simon's assessment of the performance. It's "gooey". I would only add that it's also "squinty".

Syesha returns in her third sparkly outfit of the evening and sings "Hit Me Up" from Happy Feet, a movie I saw that involved dancing computer-generated penguins. For a second, I thought it was a Rihanna song. I mean, it sounds like something Rihanna would sing, but as it turns out, it's something Gia Farrell would sing. As everybody knows, Gia Farrell is a female pop singer who sounds like every other female pop singer out there, which shows you just how highly the producers think of Syesha.

Finally, Cook sings his third song. The producers yoke him with Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" and an orchestra. I can already hear how it's going to sound, but I listen anyway, because if it's anything like what I hear in my head, it's going to be good. David doesn't disappoint and Simon sums it up nicely by saying, "David Cook wins the night."

Round Three Rankings:

1. Cook
2. Syesha
3. Archuleta

Prediction

Are we in for another predictable American Idol elimination show tonight? Unfortunately, the answer is sYESsha.