American Idol 7: Mariah Carey and the Seven Dwarfs

I must admit that when I learned the contestants on American Idol would be singing Mariah Carey songs, I seriously contemplated boycotting the show. Visions of mangled song corpses sprawled across the stage, violently killed using the deadly musical fighting style known as karoake, flashed through my mind. Why would I want to watch mayhem guaranteed to give me nightmares later? Bolting upright with a gasp, in bed, in the middle of the night (a la Patricia Arquette), as the last echoes of Carly's screeching faded away, is an experience I'd like to avoid (if at all possible).

But only a few minutes after reading that bit of Idol news, I saw the headline that Ollie Johnston, one of Walt Disney's "Nine Old Men", who worked on Snow White and other animated classics for the studio, had passed away. This got me thinking about some of the music from that first feature-length cartoon, and when I have tunes like "Whistle While You Work" and "Heigh-Ho" playing in my head, I feel as though I can deal with anything the world throws at me, including an hour of potentially awful singing.

At that same moment, another idea popped into my head: perhaps the show would be more enjoyable if I played a game called "Match the Idol to the Dwarf". If you want to play the game, take a second to do so right now. If you don't remember the names of the dwarfs, here they are: Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey.

Done? Great. Let's get to the recap...

David Archuleta sang "When You Believe". As a dimembodied voice, he sang it surprisingly well. As a performer on stage (with lips, arms, legs, and a whole list of other required body parts), he was barely watchable. It almost made me wish the producers had hidden him behind a piano like they had done last week (a move that drove me insane because 1. I swear he only played two chords and 2. nobody could actually hear him playing). Dwarf: Dopey.

Carly Smithson took a stab at "Without You". It's one of my favorite Mariah songs. The beginning was great -- soft and controlled, but then she began pumping the song full of volume and emotion and wrong notes and I suddenly began watching the second hand on the clock to see how much longer I would have to suffer. Immediately after the show, I listened to Mariah's version to stave off any nightmares (luckily it worked). Dwarf: Grumpy.

In previous weeks, the judges scolded Syesha Mercado for attempting songs by divas like Whitney and Mariah, so she came into this week at a disadvantage. She had two choices...

1. She could either defy the judges, pick a signature song, and suffer their wrath.
2. She could pick a less recognizable song and risk becoming forgettable.

It was a Catch-22 and I admire her for choosing the second option. It's better to give a forgettably mediocre performance than a horribly memorable one. Dwarf: Happy (appropriate because he's always the last one I remember).

Brooke White is usually at her best when she's at the piano. When she plays and sings, she looks comfortable and confident. To me, she seems bulletproof. Unfortunately, that impression was shattered last night. Her version of "Hero" started off well enough, but less than halfway through it, she started to crumble and not even the piano could save her. She was this week's weakest link. Dwarf: Bashful.

Kristy Lee Cook sang "Forever", which is the answer to the following question, "How long have you waited for the Colonel to be voted off American Idol?" She gave another above average performance (by her standards), which means she will be around for yet another week. It was good enough to make me shake my fist at the television in frustration and shout at the sky, "Why?!" Dwarf: Sneezy (maybe her squinting is allergy-related).

David Cook's version of "Always Be My Baby" started rough, but got significantly better once he got his voice out of its lower registers. I totally agree with Simon that his performance was a breath of fresh air. It wasn't one of his better performances (or arrangements), but it was a masterpiece compared to the five previous acts. Dwarf: Doc (the oldest of the dwarfs).

Jason Castro ended the night with "I Don't Want To Cry". I just wanted to point out that during the clip that preceded the song, Mariah called Jason "interesting", "different", and "unique". Make of that what you will. Despite Randy's Simon-like criticism, comparing the performance to something heard at a luau, I liked it. (Full disclosure: I happened to be eating a loco moco for dinner at the time, so my opinion might have been slightly swayed by my taste buds.) He didn't have a guitar or ukulele in his hands, but he actually seemed comfortable on stage, which was nice to see. Dwarf: Sleepy.

Prediction: This week's bottom three will feature Carly, Kristy Lee, and Brooke. I hate to say it because she's my favorite woman, but I fear Brooke "Snow" White will be the one to take a bite from the poison apple.