From the Department of Tongues and Cheeks: Top 5 Ways to Extinguish an Olympic Torch

The Olympic flame arrived in San Francisco at four this morning. According to the Chronicle, there was "heavy police presence" to prevent anybody from messing with it, and nobody did because nobody in their right mind would be at the airport at four in the morning, especially after a late night of partying rallies, speeches, and vigils.

The flame was whisked away to an "undisclosed San Francisco location", which I took to mean "homeless encampment". Outdoor Community + City By The Bay + Heat Source = Olympic Spirit Safe Haven.

While most protesters will demonstrate peacefully, hold candlelight vigils, or conduct their own torch relays, it's inevitable that a radical faction will try to pull a spectacularly disruptive stunt like yesterday's banner display on the Golden Gate Bridge.

Because an attempt to extinguish the torch is a certainty, I thought it would be fun to make a "Top 5" list of creative ways the pro-Tibet forces could do it. These ideas aren't practical or realistic, but they aren't predictable or boring either. If people actually try one of these, I am not responsible for their actions (but I expect full credit for the idea).

1. Water Balloons: Previous torch attacks failed because the douser needed to be near the flame. The obvious solution is to launch a long-distance assault. A brigade of protesters could be strategically placed at the back of the crowd where they could fill and lob water balloons at the torch bearer. As long as the torch was within the "splash zone", a direct hit wouldn't be necessary. The balloons could be the color of the Tibetan flag and each could have a random message on it like "Free Tibet" or "To China With Love" or "Courtesy of Hetch Hetchy".
2. Tidal Wave: It's nearly impossible now, with so little lead time, but if protesters hadn't spent the past year focused on hanging banners on a bridge, they could have used that time to clandestinely install a tidal wave machine in the bay instead. I picture it playing like a scene out of The Lord of the Rings, specifically the one where Arwen takes Frodo to Rivendell by horse. To protest China's oppression of Tibet and Peter Jackson's deviation from Tolkien's books, Richard Gere could play Glorfindel, the actual character who rescued Frodo. If timed properly, it would look like he summoned the wave to wipe out the torch bearer and surrounding security team (a.k.a. the Black Riders). I doubt Gere's Elvish is as good as Liv Tyler's, but it would suffice.
3. The Butterfly Effect: Have a butterfly in Tibet flap its wings, thereby creating a tornado along the Embarcadero that would extinguish the torch. The trick would be finding the right butterfly. While in Tibet, a special team could search for the butterfly whose wings would cause the Giants to actually win a game.
4. Giant Straw: Taking a page from There Will Be Blood, each protester could smuggle in a big bubble tea straw. While the torch relay proceeded, the group could secretly connect the straws to create one gigantic straw that reached across the parade route. I don't have the technical details worked out, but it might be wise to have duct tape handy. Anyway, when the torch reached their location, the person with the largest lung capacity would huff and puff on the straw while everybody else yelled, "I BLOW OUT YOUR TORCH! I BLOW IT OUT!"
5. Deluminator: As a Plan B, elite teams should be sent around the globe in search of Dumbledore's Deluminator, the ultimate put-outer. Unlike my other proposals, this one relies on magic instead of physics, so it should only be used as a last resort.