(Or, Idols At The Bat, Dolly Parton Songs Sung in the Year 2008)

With this year's baseball season underway and the number of American Idol contestants equaling nine, I automatically (and predictably) thought of them in terms of a batting lineup. So, if you'll kindly imagine yourself at the ballpark, sitting in the lower box seats or left field bleachers, eating peanuts or crackerjacks, and listening to the play-by-play on your mp3 player with FM/AM receiver, we can play ball.

Your eyes focus on the diamond, but this is what your ears hear...

Good evening and welcome to the Fox Fields in Hollywood. The umpires -- Randy, Paula, and Simon -- are already on the field and are looking styling in their Coca-Cola red chest protectors and face masks. Those product placement gurus are geniuses! The silly mascot you see running across the roof of the home team's dugout, looking only slightly more dapper than the Philly Phanatic, is Ryan Seacrest. On the mound is tonight's mentor/pitcher, Dolly Parton, and she's throwing her best material at the contestants. Let's see how they handle it.

Leading off is Brooke White, who barely manages to squeeze into the batter's box with the fiddler, backup singer, and percussionist she brought along. She tightens her grip on the guitar as Dolly winds and deals. She throws "Jolene" right into Brooke's wheelhouse, but Brooke is jammed and only manages to hit a grounder to second. It's a close play at first base. Here's the throw, Brooke slides, and Paula says, "You... are... who you are." Nobody knows what that means, so we'll move on.

Up next is David Cook. It looks as though he finally surrendered and allowed somebody near his hair with a pair of scissors. A marked improvement. It should cut down on the wind resistance when he's on the basepaths. Dolly comes set and pitches "Little Sparrow". Cook slams it with the sweet spot of his guitar and the sparrow hits the center field fence and disappears in a puff of feathers for a double.

Batting third is Ramiele Malubay. I'm not sure what she's wearing, but I think Kurt Angle wants his wrestling singlet back. Dolly throws "Do I Cross Your Mind" down the middle of the plate and Ramiele belts it down the left field line. Unfortunately, it's so forgettable, nobody bothers to call it fair or foul.

In the clean up spot is Jason Castro, who is channeling Manny Ramirez with his dreads. He puts a spark into Dolly's "Travelin' Thru" and drives it into right for a single. His stroke reminds me of Paul Simon's swing. Of course, Simon never had the funky head sway Castro has. No one can explain why his head sways so. I suppose it's just Jason being Jason.

Carly Smithson is up next and she's looking more formidable than usual thanks to her tattoos. Dolly delivers an easy "Here You Come Again" and Smithson smacks it deep. This one has the distance. But wait! Before it leaves the park, Simon calls her out for poor wardrobe choice. Ouch!

Now it's the Little Leaguer's turn. David Archuleta steps into the box as a batboy runs from the dugout to place a T-Ball stand on home plate. Dolly carefully sets "Smoky Mountain Memories" on the stand and David gives it an emotional wallop, sending the song soaring in a beautiful arc towards short center field, which should be good enough for a single. But wait! All three umpires are rushing out. And... and... they're calling it a home run! I can't believe it! Well, there's something you don't see every day. Well, unless you watch Idol regularly.

So far, the Idols have managed to string together enough weak hits to bring the seventh singer of the inning to the plate. Kristy Lee Cook steps in. This should be a great at bat. Parton's pitches are right up her alley. Dolly throws "Coat of Many Colors" and this one should be out of the park, but oh, Kristy Lee hits it off the end of the bat. It reaches the right field warning track and dies for an easy out. So disappointing.

Up next is Syesha Mercado. She's taking a few practice swings as the grounds crew rolls a grand piano out to home plate. Syesha hops on the piano. Dolly looks in, reaches back, and hurls "I Will Always Love You". Syesha takes a mighty swing, but before she even makes contact, Randy invokes the Infield Diva Rule. That rule essentially states: "Any contestant who attempts to sing a song made famous by Whitney, Mariah, or Celine will be automatically out." Syesha is ordered off the piano and back to the dugout.

The last contestant to bat is Michael Johns. He settles into his singer's stance. But wait! Randy just called a strike on him for wearing a cravat! Another penalty for poor fashion sense. Johns looks a little unnerved, but he retakes his stance and Dolly pitches "It's All Wrong But It's All Right". I've never seen anybody take such a bluesy swing, but Johns manages to send the song sailing over the left field bleachers, proving he can handle more than just Queen. Thank goodness.

And with that, we leave the ballpark and return you to your computer. Tonight, I hope Ramiele, Kristy Lee, and Syesha are in the bottom three. If I repeat it enough times, it might come true. We'll see.