American Idol 7: Top 10

Another Idol hopeful will have his or her hopes crushed in just a few hours, but before that wonderful moment happens, let's relive last night's show. Because I don't have a DVR like a respectable recapper (or weecapper) should, I'm relying entirely on sketchy memories and a page of indecipherable notes.

After introducing the judges (Randy with his goatee, Paula with her black arm-length gloves, and Simon with his I don't know because I'm still bewildered by Paula's gloves), Ryan introduces the Top 10 and tells everybody the contestants will be singing songs from the year they were born. He does this all while walking behind the contestants, which makes it look as though he's playing a game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

First up is Ramiele (a.k.a. the Goose), who was born in 1987. She shares that she bit people as a toddler. Her mother clarifies that Ramiele outgrew biting people (something quite unique) and started singing (something less unique). She sings "Alone", the perfect song for showcasing her belting ability, but instead of belting it, she shout-screams it. Randy and Paula blame the rough performance on Ramiele's cold, but considering she hasn't been good when she's well, I doubt her health is the reason for her troubles.

Next up is Jason, the first of nine Ducks. During his clip, he tells us three things:

1. He was born in 1987.
2. It's his birthday.
3. People used to tell him he had "cute eyes".

I now wish he had only told us two things. He's singing Sting's "Fragile" and singing it pretty well. Or at least I'm hoping he is. It's hard to tell since his voice is barely audible. He appears to be trying to conserve energy. Maybe he's saving it for a big finish. Except the song's already finished and Randy's talking. And now Simon is telling him his guitar work was sloppy and Jason's mumbling something about how he should have maybe practiced more. Wait, what? This is American Idol! Your one chance to make it big! The only thing you should be doing (besides eating, sleeping, and promoting) is practicing! Happy Birthday, Jason. Now WAKE UP!

Syesha's clip reveals she, too, was born in 1987. It also reveals that she can cry like a baby - an actual baby, which is surprisingly creepy. She sings "If I Were Your Woman" and it sounds better than anything she has sung before, but I'm distracted by the crowd. During every performance, people have been waving their arms in the air like they just don't care. It's a bad habit and it needs to stop, except I know it won't. The judges love her performance and I'm sad because it means she'll be here for at least another week.

Chikezie finally breaks the 1987 streak by being born in 1985 (Go Chikezie!). His nice parents tell a nice story about their son. Then Chikezie sings a nice rendition of "If Only For One Night". The guy has a nice voice and it works well with ballads. Unfortunately, this one borders on boring. Simon says he misses Chikezie's personality, but based on last week's schizophrenic performance I wonder which of the six personalities he meant.

Brooke was born in 1983 and we learn she discovered her musical gifts at a young age. After hearing a song on the radio, she went to the family piano and started playing the song by ear. The story would almost be unbelievable if my sister, a gifted pianist, hadn't done the same thing when she was only four. Brooke sings "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. It seems like a strange song choice, but it works for the first minute, while it's only her on the piano. Then the band butts in and shatters the spell. Playing without Rickey Minor and the band might have been the downfall of Josiah Leming, but it's the key to Brooke's success.

Michael, the old man of the group, was born in 1978, which is perfect because it's the year Queen wrote "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions". He sings the living daylights out of the medley and I'm happy to see he's back, but my happiness is short-lived when I realize the only way he'll stay in the competition is if he sings Queen songs for the rest of the season.

Carly, who was born in 1983, tells us how she was named after Carly Simon, which destroys my theory that she was named after Carly Fiorina. I thought the story might segue into her singing a song by her namesake, but now that she's singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart", I guess I was wrong. She's trying hard to keep her voice under control and she's looking tense, like she has the hiccups and is trying to hold her breath. She succeeds until the last line, which sounds awful because she's singing, exhaling, and gasping for air all at the same time.

David Archuleta was born in - I cringe when I say this - 1990. His banter with Ryan is awkward and the subsequent clip doesn't help. He sings "You're the Voice" and it's so awful, it makes me wish he and Ryan would banter some more. It also makes me wonder, "Of all the great songs written in 1990, why couldn't he ruin one I recognize?" Watching him sing Wilson Phillips' "Hold On" could have been so much more entertaining, in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle kind of way.

Kristy was born in 1984, which is the year Lee Greenwood wrote "God Bless the USA". So patriotic. So Fox. I have an instant flashback to the 80s, when I first saw Greenwood perform the song on a Bob Hope special, which I think was filmed on an aircraft carrier. While this is one of Kristy's best performances, it doesn't compare to the original.

In 1982, a kid with an abnormally huge head was born. Who knew that twenty-six years later his body would catch up (mostly) and he would be performing on American Idol? David Cook sings "Billie Jean", which would have been weird if it had been Michael Jackson's original version. Luckily, it's the version by Chris Cornell (of Soundgarden and Audioslave fame). It flows from slow and somber to sublime. The judges give him too much credit for being original and brave, but compared to his competition, he is original and brave. He's also smart for picking the right songs, or at least the right covers of songs.

Prediction: Carly and Chikezie won't be enjoying the comfort and safety of the couches tonight. While I wouldn't mind if both went home, I wouldn't shed a tear if Carly's hopes were crushed first.