RC Radio, Program Number 1: The Mitchell Report

This is what happens when I listen to a baseball-related press conference and stumble upon some text-to-speech software on the same day -- I end up using my writing time to produce a by-the-seat-of-my-pants podcast.

Here's a link to the mp3, if the embedded file doesn't work. The audio is difficult to understand, so I have included a transcript of the program for handy reference...

Michael: Good afternoon and welcome to Random Curiosity Radio, podcasting from a computer in the 4-0-8, in 16 bit stereo, at 48kHz. This is Program Number 1. I'm Michael Mickelson.

Michelle: I'm Michelle DeLaRochelle.

Sam: And I am Microsoft Sam, no relation to Yosemite, though I don't like varmints.

Michael: We're here because David stumbled upon a text-to-speech program that is supposedly a "natural voice" reader.

Sam: I sound natural... right?

Michelle: Very.

Michael: Because this is our first episode, we are learning as we go. I thought we would begin with the story of the day: the release of the Mitchell Report on steroid use in major league baseball.

Sam: Excellent! Steroids in sports are a serious issue.

Michael: Yes it is, Sam. At a press conference today, former Senator George Mitchell outlined the findings from his investigation. He also listed some of the recommendations in his report, including...

Sam: Yes yes, that's all nice and fine, but people don't want to hear his recommendations! They want names!

Michael: We'll get to that in a second. I just wanted...

Sam: Names! I have them right here!

Michelle: Michael, maybe we should just let him read them to get it done and over with.

Michael: Fine. Go ahead, Sam.

Sam: Thank you. Um... in what order should I read them? Alphabetically or from shortest to tallest player?

Michael: Just read them!

Sam: Okay, okay. Mitchell named the following cheaters...

Michelle: Alleged.

Sam: Alleged cheaters. The list includes: Barry Bonds, Kevin Brown, Roger Clemens, Jack Cust, Brendan Donnelly, Eric Gagne, Jason Giambi...

Michelle: Gone-yay and Gee-om-bee.

Sam: It isn't Gagne or Giambi?

Michelle: No, no it isn't.

Sam: Oops, my bad. Eric Gone-yay. and Jason Gee-Om-Be. Troy Glaus, David Justice, Chuck Knoblauch...

Michelle: Knob-lock.

Sam: Knob-lock? What type of name is knob-lock?

Michael: Just keep reading.

Sam: Okay. Paul Lo Duca, Gary Matthews Jr., Andy Pettitte, Gary Sheffield, and Miguel Tejada.

Michelle: Tay-hada.

Michael: Michelle! Please stop correcting him. Just be thankful there aren't any Japanese players on the list.

Sam: What? Why not? I don't have any problem pronouncing Hideki Matsui or Kosuke Fukudome.

Michelle: You're kidding, right?

Michael: We are nearly out of time. Michelle, why don't you give us a couple of key quotes from today's press conference?

Michelle: Thank you, Michael. During the conference, Mitchell said "a principal goal of this investigation is to bring to a close this troubling chapter in baseball’s history and to use the lessons learned from the past to prevent the future use of performance enhancing substances." He also urged the Commissioner to forego imposing discipline on players for past violations of baseball’s rules, except in extreme cases where the integrity of the game is threatened.

Sam: Bull honkey!

Michael: And that's all the time we have. For Michelle DeLaRochelle and Microsoft Sam, I'm Michael Mickelson. This has been Random Curiosity Radio, Program Number 1. Thank you for listening!

Sam: Ya better say yer prayers, ya flea-bitten varmint! I'm a-gonna blow ya to smithereenies!