We're Halfway There

Albert, of course, hadn't meant to get drunk. He hadn't even meant to drink, but Sidney had insisted. "Just try this drink. It's nothing," he said. He was a little bitter that Albert and Cady had played him for a fool and had gotten him to sign the petition. "What is it?" said Albert, looking at the glass filled with a thick liquid resembling mud with a cherry on top. Sidney silently asked for forgiveness and said, "Oh, it's a blend of pomegranate and grape juice." Albert eyed it suspiciously. "And you're sure it doesn't contain any alcohol?" he said. Sidney motioned for Bud to say nothing and said, "I'm sure. Bud told me himself." Bud glared at him quietly and stalked down to the other end of the bar, three feet away. "And just to prove it to you, I had Bud pour me an Upheaval, too," said Sidney. He picked up his glass, raised it and said, "To Father Albert. Cheers!" He downed the whole thing and did it without wincing for the first time in his entire life. He was actually quite proud of himself for that. Oh, sure, his liver wouldn't be happy with him in about thirty-seven minutes, but the thirty-six minutes of entertainment before then would be worth the resulting three hours of agony. Father Albert was hesitant for a second, but with encouraging looks from Sidney and Avery, he said, "Up the bottoms!" He tried to down it all at once like Sidney, his head tilted all the way back, but it didn't go down the same way. His face turned as red as the cherry he swallowed. He let out a single high pitched sound, something resembling an eep and tipped straight back. Bud, watching the whole thing through his fingers, moved like a man half his size who could move twice as fast and grabbed the front of the priest's jacket to prevent him from falling. Returned to a full, upright position, Father Albert looked paralyzed. His nose and eyes were scrunched up and his mouth was open in a silent scream. His head was still tilted back, his neck looking unnaturally stiff. "Father, are you all right?" said Bud. He went to get some coffee that was brewing nearby. Sidney held up a hand. Bud froze. There was a low whine coming from somewhere. Sidney lowered his head, trying to determine where it was coming from. It sounded like a door slowly opening somewhere in the distance. Avery pointed at the priest. "It's coming from him," he said, scooting back a little. Bud and Sidney edged away as well. "I suggest," said Avery as the whining sound grew louder. "I suggest we exit this building immediately." Sidney was already on the other side of him now, inching towards the door. Bud was quickly lowering the metal blast doors to cover the beautifully lit wall of bottles behind the bar. The television sunk into the wall and all of the stools, except the one Albert sat on, and the bar retracted into the ground. All three men jumped as sheets of plastic shot across the floor and fell down the walls covering every exposed surface. "It's getting louder," said Bud in a whisper. He slowly opened the door and Sidney and Avery slipped out. The whine had gone up a few octaves. The drink had transformed Albert into a boiling kettle. This wasn't going to be pretty. Bud stood there for a second longer, said the fastest, shortest prayer he could think of for Father Albert, stepped outside and slammed the door shut. The three men stood outside The Rusty Cymbal and waited. They didn't have to wait long. Three seconds later, the scream stopped abruptly. A deep rumbling erupted, followed by the earth moving beneath their feet. The cymbal above the door clanged against the wall and fell with a clatter onto the wooden walkway. Dust was shaken from the awning and covered the trio standing and staring rather stupidly at the door. "Do you think it's safe to go back in?" said Avery taking a step forward. Bud grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "Wait," he said and turned his head to get a better listen. They could hear water spraying, an engine humming, and a fan roaring. This was followed by the sound of a hundred gears and latches and then nothing. Three pleasant beeps broke the silence and the door suddenly opened itself with the sound of an airtight seal being broken. "Okay," said Bud. "It should be safe now. Sidney, since we have you to thank for this, you may have the honors." Sidney shrank at the suggestion, but finally relented with a sigh. He inched forward and peeked inside. He motioned for them to wait. He tiptoed in and then motioned for them to follow. "The place looks cleaner than before," he said. "And wait." He took a closer look at the priest. "It looks as though Albert got a shower and a shave while we were outside. And what? Is that a manicure?" Bud smiled weakly. "I had that function installed for a pretty penny. I like nice fingernails, so sue me."