Year of the Dog

Because it's the Year of the Dog and Blog Sweeps Week (where anything goes (including absurdity, stupidity and embedded parentheses) for the sake of hits), I thought I'd take the time to share three special traditions specific to this year's animal that are guaranteed to bring you prosperity, good fortune, good luck and happiness. The fact that they're completely fabricated shouldn't be cause for concern, unless you fail to follow them, in which case, I'm almost certain that you'll be hounded by misery and misfortune all year long. On that positive note, here they are:

1. Sharing a long piece of red licorice with your dog will bring you prosperity, the longer the piece, the greater the prosperity. The catch (and there's always a catch) is that you both must eat the licorice at the same time, a la Lady and the Tramp. Tip: Giving your dog a breath mint beforehand is cheating, but recommended.
2. This year, picking up after your dog will bring you bad luck (especially if it's after eating the licorice). By doing so, you'll be scooping away your good fortune. As luck would have it, by picking up after somebody else's dog, you can scoop up their good fortune and add it to your own. Tip: I suggest wearing gloves when handling other people's fortune.
3. Dressing your dog in traditional Chinese garb, having his or her portrait taken by a professional pet photographer, framing the 24" × 36" portrait and hanging it on your front door will triple your luck and double your happiness. Tip: Pay no mind to the looks your neighbors give you. Remember, they're not judging, they're just jealous.

Happy Lunar New Year! Oh, and Happy Belated Birthday, Mozart (if you're reading this)!