Barry Bonds is coming back tonight. I would say I'm ecstatic, but the media hype has sucked every ounce of excitement from the news. Since before the season began, they've been doggedly reporting rumors of his prospective return.

First, it was after the All-Star break. Then, it was before the All-Star break. One day they showed Barry training at the park. The next day they reported he had undergone his third knee surgery. Later, Barry said he might not play this season. Now he is preparing to play in the first of twenty remaining games. Maybe.

Trying to keep track of Bonds has been more challenging than playing that find-the-ball-under-the-cap game at the ballpark after drinking one-too-many beers. The best strategy in both cases is to ignore the fuss and wait until somebody inevitably yells the final result. ("Middle! It’s under the middle one!")

All that aside, the fact remains that Barry is back and seeing how he is Mr. Bonds, Living Legend, his fans and the Giants have certain expectations of him. What are they? Well, I don't know about other people, but here is my short list of modest expectations. I expect him to:

1. Make a minimum of 80 plate appearances.
2. Get on base every time.
3. Hit at least 20 home runs.
4. Take San Francisco on a twenty-game winning streak to beat San Diego and Los Angeles for the lead in the National League West.
5. Do it all without injuring himself again.
6. Behave in a polite and friendly manner towards his fans and the press.

With the exception of the sixth item, I don't think I’m asking too much.