AI: The Aught Nots

Last night's American Idol was the second worst episode of the finals. The theme was "Songs of the Last Five Years" or, as I'm calling them, "The Aught Nots". I try not to be too cynical or critical about the contestants, but last night, they all seemed eager to annoy me and give me reasons to dislike them.

To stretch six two-minute performances over an hour, we visited each of the contestant's families and hometowns. They were praisefests that painted the finalists as saints destined for musical greatness. I wouldn't have a problem with the testimonials if they were followed by blow-me-away performances, but they weren't. The gushing sucked the reality right of the room and it all returned the instant the singing began. On live television and in front of millions of adoring fans, six innocent songs were maimed.

Carrie tackled a Martina McBride song and even wore a cowgirl outfit to really bring home the fact that she's country through and through. I figured that out all on my own eight weeks ago, but maybe she was worried I had forgotten after seeing her "Barbie meets Stepford Wives" hair and wardrobe last week. Her performance was stale and off-key. She'll come in third this week.

Bo followed with Gavin DeGraw's "I Don't Want To Be". It was my favorite song of the night and fit the image he's trying to project. He gave it a solid nod, but I was disappointed that he didn't even try to go for the high notes, leaving it to the backup singers to fill in the holes. Of course, maybe a seasoned performer knows his limits and knows that trying to hit a note and missing is worse than omitting it. It's the SAT approach to singing. Anyway, I have no idea what he was wearing, but it was colorful and ugly and his Lenny Kravitz sunglasses didn't help in the fashion department. That aside, I'd give him second place.

Next was "The Vonz", whose nickname I've given up trying to understand. She sang "I Turn to You" by Christina Aguilera. She hit most of the notes and tried to reach the high ones. Picture the music measures as shelves in a grocery store and each note as a can of soup. It was as if she was trying to grab a can of clam chowder from the top shelf and barely touching the bottom with the tip of her fingers. She really needed the musical equivalent of stepping stool. Her constituency and most of America will find her endearing and vote her into first place.

Anthony then attempted a Celine Dion song. I was expecting something horrible, but must have set my expectations too low because he didn't sound half-bad. This week, I think he will come in fourth, thanks to Constantine's stumble.

And how he stumbled. The Rocket of Novelty that launched Constantine into the stratosphere ran out of the cheese that fueled it and came plummeting back to Earth. He returned to his "rocker roots" and sang Nickelback's "How You Remind Me". The original song was a guilty pleasure that only worked for me because of Chad Kroeger's gravelly (some would say annoying) voice. Constantine's voice didn't come anywhere close to sounding half as tough or angry. The performance felt hollow and weak and no amount of flashing lights or camera kicks could save it. His rocket will crash into fifth place. Finally.

Last up was Scott. Anthony may have sung "I Surrender", but Scott looked and sounded like he surrendered. His heart wasn't in the performance and, for the first time, he took the judge's criticism without talking back or being disrespectful. He looked resigned and he'll be going home tonight.

After a few weeks of unoriginal themes, I actually would like the show to return to last year's idea of focusing on a particular artist's song catalog. I'd like to see the remaining contestants take on Roy Orbison, Bruce Springsteen or even Elvis Presley. Having the Idol wannabes take on proven American idols would spice up the last of the season.