This will probably come as shock to many people, but last Tuesday, I didn't watch American Idol. Don't get me wrong. At home, there's a valuable videotape sitting in a VCR that contains the episode. The tape should also hold Scrubs and The Office, but they're not the priority. I will hopefully get to sit down and watch it tonight.
Unfortunately, I really want to write an American Idol recap. Not seeing the show makes the task difficult, but not impossible. There's only one minor drawback: being completely wrong. I'm not going to let that stop me. So, here we go.
Tuesday, on American Idol...
Unhappy about having to wear a suit and tie last Wednesday, Ryan made his hair extra spiky and wore a t-shirt that read, "I have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and you are?" He then introduced Randy, Paula and Simon and made a joke about Simon wearing the same clothes every day, which isn't as much funny as it is true. Simon gave Ryan a withering look while thinking of a clever way to call him gay.
There was then the Coke-sponsored segment showing Ryan making the contestants guess this week's theme...
Ryan: It's from a game on a show Drew Carey once hosted.
Constantine: Who?
Ryan: He would introduce it with the line, "With the help of Laura Hall on piano."
Contestants: (blank looks)
Ryan: Drew would also say, "It's time for our favorite game in the whole wide world!" (whispers something into Anwar's ear)
Anwar: Motown?
Ryan: Hoedown! That's right!
As a special surprise, the house band got the night off and Laura Hall performed on the piano. Now, I could go into gruesome detail about each performance, but if you've been watching the show recently, you know that performances don't matter. This explains why Scott and Anthony are still around to torture millions of viewers.
After one of many commercial breaks, Ryan interviewed Drew Carey, who just "happened" to be in the audience.
Ryan: So, Drew, Simon thought Constantine mangled Hoedown, but since you are the Hoedown expert, tell us what you thought of Constantine.
Drew: Who?
Ryan: The tall guy who can't stop gazing longingly into the cameras.
Drew: Oh, him. Yeah, he mangled it, but I hardly noticed after he hypnotized me with those dreamy eyes.
Ryan: I know what you mean. What did you think of the other performers so far?
Drew: Oh, are we still talking about that? Because I'm really only here to promote Whose Line Is It Anyway?: The Animated Series coming to Fox this summer.
By the end of the "imaginary" episode, I already knew who was going to be in the bottom three. It didn't require much psychic ability to predict that it would be Scott, Anthony and Anwar.
Now, if I hadn't seen Wednesday's episode, you might be reading about how Scott was eliminated and escorted off the stage by mean looking king penguins. How, in another Idol scandal, animal rights activists accused the penguins of being on "the cream" and "the clear". And how the birds' attorneys denied these allegations and said their clients thought they were only using fish oil.
Unhappily, I saw the real thing and the sad truth is that Anwar received the lowest number of votes. While he was one of my favorites, I was slowly accepting the fact that he probably wouldn't make it into the final two. I just didn't expect to see him leaving before Scott or Anthony. With any luck, those two will be the next two gone. Of course, with my luck, it's more likely I'll see king penguins doing a Hoedown with Laura Hall.
