AI: Where the Points Matter?

I was going to write about Tuesday night's episode yesterday, but then I heard about the phone number debacle and the encore episode, so I held off. I then made the mistake of reading somebody else's recap of the show. It was roll-on-the-floor funny, but left me feeling untalented by comparison. So I had to wait a day to feel the inspiration to give my recap a go.

1. Hair. Everybody seemed to be having a bad hair show.
2. Ryan's t-shirt. All I remember was that is was red. Tight and red.
3. The tiny orchestra accompanying the rock band. I could see them. I just couldn't hear them.
4. Paula Abdul's inability to keep her hands and lips off of Simon Cowell.
5. Hair. It was so bad, I had to mention it twice.

Now, here are my thoughts on this week's performances. In the spirit of Whose Line is it Anyway?, I'll be giving out points, but remember, the points don't matter. Just like my opinions about these performances, they don't mean a thing.

As I watched Anthony Fedorov sing "I Knew You Were Waiting For Me", I wasn't really listening. All I could hear was this tiny voice in my head saying, "Good golly, if you close one eye and tilt your head to the right, he looks kind of like a blond Harry Potter." A thousand points for Gryffindor.

Remember, the points don't matter, so 1,000 could be good, bad or worth only 1,216 Canadian points.

After Carrie Underwood sang "Alone", Simon declared her the winner, claiming she would be the Best Idol Ever. I didn't see it. The only thing I saw was her hair, which looked like it lost a horrific battle to a curling iron and then went through a hairspray hurricane. 1,100 points after a 900-point deduction for the hair.

Scott Savol sang "Against All Odds". I'm not a big fan of his baseball cap or sunglasses, so when he tossed them away, I was actually relieved. 2,500 points for the crazy good voice and for ditching the costume.

Bo Bice sang "Time in a Bottle", the first Billboard #1 hit not from the eighties. I love the song. While listening to him, I forgot that I was watching Idol. 3,000 points for a sincere performance and song selection.

Nikko Smith sang Sisqo's "Incomplete". The performance was "just okay" for me. After a 500-point deduction for not singing the "Thong Song", 1,800 points.

Vonzell Solomon sang "Best of My Love". She finally seemed to get everything in gear. Not much else to say, but 3,500 points for an awesome performance.

Constantine Maroulis sang "I Think I Love You" by the Partridge Family (+500), which was unexpected (+500). He gave it a twist (+500), but it was a Constantine twist (-500). On the plus side, he still makes Ryan look like a midget (+300). It all equals 1,300 points.

Nadia Turner sang "Time After Time". When asked if she wanted a mohawk, Nadia should have said no, but instead of a simple no, she should have spiced it up David-Spade-style and asked for a nohawk or a nonytail or just her usual, ultra-cool afno. 500 points for the scary hair.

Mikalah Gordon sang "Love Will Lead You Back". One would think a girl who sounds like Taylor Dayne could sing Taylor Dayne. One would be wrong. It was the worst performance of the evening. Taking that into account, along with the Mikalah Factor, she receives -500 points.

Anwar Robinson sang "Ain't Nobody". It was a weak performance, which is hard to say since I like him. He had a few good notes, but they were utterly outnumbered by the bad ones. On the upside, he didn't have a mohawk. 600 points.

Finally, Jessica Sierra sang the sixth song from the 80s and the second from 1983. I don't know what it is about "Total Eclipse of the Heart", but I really dig it. I didn't think she did as much with it as she possibly could, but it was still darn good. 2,611 points, just because I can.

Tonight, I predict that Anthony, Nikko and Mikalah will be in the bottom three. And maybe, if the points can matter just this once, Mikalah will be going home.