Cesar Chavez Day
; "Capitola Beach")
I've been slacking around here and I feel guilty. I used to post twice a day, a habit that formed because of the train commute. Productivity has slipped. A few bloggers keep a consistent schedule. If you read them long enough, you can predict when their next post will arrive. I need to get back into a regular routine.
Anyway, I had yesterday off and stayed away from the computer, which exacerbated the slacker feeling. Our office was closed to observe Cesar Chavez Day. My plan was to used the day to catch up on sleep, go to the gym, watch a little television and putter around the house. It was a very ambitious plan.
I awoke unusually early, around seven in the morning. I attempted to go back to sleep, but couldn't find the motivation to stay in bed. As I stared at the ceiling, contemplating the different soap operas and daytime talk shows to watch, images of Capitola and the beach flashed across my mind's eye.
I leapt out of bed, hit the gym and then hit the road. With the windows rolled down and The Beach Boys playing on the cassette deck, I cruised over Hecker's Pass, pretending to be behind the wheel of a classic woodie.
I think I was trying to recapture the feeling I had when I last visited Capitola alone. For a few hours, the feeling was there. I found comfort in my solitude and anonymity, a sense of freedom. It reminded me of a line from "Between" by Vienna Teng...
Freedom is being alone
I fear liberation
As evening approached, my comfort started to fade like the light from the setting sun. I began to desire company and resented the yearning. I told myself it was only a moment of weakness that would pass, but it didn't.
I gazed out at the waves and the surfers in their wet suits. I looked at the cliffs rising behind me. The place hadn't changed, but after nine months, I must have. What had happened in that time? Was I becoming incapable of enjoying time alone?
Staring at the empty space next to me, I tried to imagine who I would want sitting there with me, sharing the moment. I hoped to convince myself that I couldn't come up with one person, but I could. Not only that, but I came up with a whole handful. What I would’ve given for any one of them to appear beside me right then.
At some point, I realized the futility of the exercise. Nobody was going to fall out of the sky, so I decided to grab a bite to eat before heading home. There was no use wishing and hoping if I didn’t have the resolve to do something. I need to stop dawdling and take some initiative.
I’ll write something more cheerful and uplifting when I get back home later tonight.
1 Comments
Your struggles are understandable my friend. I myself suffered many years like you in a sea of social anxiety, shyness, loneliness and even dispair. Sometimes the moments were unbearable. But other times, they allowed me time to quietly reflect and ponder my situation, to search for a solution, a way of overcoming because that is the key. Keeping oneself busy socially is definitely an excellent way to begin but it is just that and only that. The real benefits of change will only come from you gradually moving yourself beyond your daily comfort zone. You must challenge yourself...everyday. Enough that you feel uncomfortable and uneasy when doing so, but not so much that your fear consumes you and makes you give up. You must never run away. But you must also never just stand still. That is just as bad. The key is to consistently and modestly move yourself in a direction that is not only challenging for you but rewarding (once you move past your fear, doubt and hesitation). Each time you do this, you will see that your comfort zone will actually grow.
Also make sure to do your best not to be critical of yourself. Negative self-talk will only hinder you. Take the Zen approach and judge nothing. Be neutral in your thoughts about yourself, except when you have positive ones that can reinforce the positive image of yourself. When your mind begins to pull you into the darkness of reminding you that you feel alone or down, remember one thing...it's not really your mind telling you that, it's your heart. The mind is only sensing what the heart is actually feeling. All too often, people forget about their hearts, they forget that it is also an important organ, just like your brain. Don't forget about either one, because they both need to be nurtured. Both must be balanced because there will be times when they both agree and there will be times when they both disagree. Those will be your challenging times because your heart will be telling you one thing which is usually that it's hurting, and your brain will try to rationalize you and make the feeling go away. That's the wrong thing to do. Acknowledge your heart and how it's feeling. When you do this, you'll see that the negative feelings will pass much more quickly when you don't fight them.
And lastly, remember that changing something of this magnitude takes times. Have the true patience and perseverance it will take to complete such a journey. But at the end what you will find will be glorious. The end will eventually be freedom from your fears, your disappointments, and your dispair. And believe me, you will eventually find someone...the "one", because there is definitely a lid for every pot.
Hang in there.
-resilience