Depressing By Comparison

On Friday, it didn't take very long to reach Stanford University. I've been there perhaps three times in my life. I'm always amazed by the size of the campus. Driving or biking seem like the only two reasonable methods for getting around campus, not counting helicopter.

Since I arrived so early, I bought a concert ticket and then visited the Stanford Coffee House in Tressider Union. It was moderately busy with people chatting, studying or singing karaoke. I ordered a hazelnut latte and enjoyed a bag of Skittles (dessert, not dinner).

I began thinking about how much I would have enjoyed the cafe, if I had attended Stanford. My alma mater didn't have anywhere comparable, nowhere so lively. I then began thinking about all of the other things the university had that mine lacked. It was an unhealthy thing to do, but I was unable to put my mind on anything else.

In an instant, a single contemplation became a whirlwind of doubts and questions. If I had studied here, where would I be today? Would my life be better or would it only be different? Would I be more successful? Would I be happier?

While sitting there, listening to two guys mangle "Total Eclipse of the Heart", I became increasingly depressed. My imagination painted such a rosy picture of an alternate Stanford-educated life. But somewhere inside, a voice reminded me that this was a self-defeating exercise. Nothing good could come from it. I was losing perspective by focusing on everything I might have missed, ignoring everything I had: the lessons learned, friendships made and opportunities received. I was also forgetting about the small issue of tuition.

I should have seen that my regrets and imagination were leading me astray. But regrets can be powerfully deceptive when they stem from a deeper dissatisfaction. By blaming the past for my present discontent, I was avoiding responsibility and not facing my anxieties. This was a truth I had managed to forget.

A jolting rendition of U2's "With or Without You" brought me back to the reality of the coffee house. I finished my latte and looked at my watch. The concert was ten minutes away. I sighed deeply and headed for the auditorium.